Episode Recap: the Apprentice - LA, Episode 1

Episode: To Have and To Have Not Original Air Date: January 7, 2007 Money money money money, monAY! At least the cool theme song hasn't changed this season on The Apprentice. The location has changed, and so, it seems, has The Donald's demeanor (He's a new daddy - again). The premiere episode this season begins with Sir Comb-over riding in a limo through New York, pretending to be talking over the phone to his child bride, Melania, who has already moved to LA. He tells her he'll be out there soon and that he misses her, to which she responds, "I miss you too, you aging bag of hot gas!" ...or something to that effect. And then, a sound which we are supposed to believe comes from Trump the Baby can be heard over the phone, to which Trump responds, "I miss you too, Baron." Baron? I think I knew a great dane once named Baron. As rich as Trump is, you'd think he could afford a decent name for his kid. In the next scene, Trump is driving around LA in a white convertible telling us about this season of The Apprentice. I was not even aware Trump knows how to drive. In addition, under normal circumstances I would conclude that he's not really driving the convertible down the road, for no other reason than his hair isn't moving in the wind. But this is Trump's hair, which probably would not move in the middle of a nuclear explosion. In fact, they've done studies that prove the only things to survive a global nuclear holocaust would be cockroaches and Trump's hair. It turns out The Donald is building a house in LA. In the mean time, he and Melania will have to make do with a mansion they'll be living in temporarily while their new house is being built. It's sort of like camping out for them. The mansion is located right next to Trump's LA headquarters, where the apprentice wannabes will be staying this season. Trump pulls into the driveway of his humble abode and his wife Lolita Melania comes out to greet him with Fido, I mean Baron, in her arms. She proves what a bad actor she is by pretending to be happy to see the old guy. I wonder how many takes they had to do for this scene. Besides, are we really supposed to believe she ever carries that baby around, as if they don't have servants for that? That's probably some stunt baby they hired because Melania would likely drop the real one. Oh, and just in case we missed that this is LA, Trump isn't wearing a necktie in this scene. Everyone knows you don't wear a necktie in LA. The contestants arrive in a fleet of luxury SUVs which bring them to the driveway of Trump headquarters. The Donald, now in his office and wearing a necktie, pretends to receive a phone call informing him of their arrival. Why all of the scripted scenes in a reality show, you ask? Hey, this is LA, and everthing is fake in LA. After the hopefuls assemble in the driveway, Trump asks them to tell him a little bit about themselves. Everyone recites their boring little resumes - blah, blah, blah, I'm an attorney, blah, blah, blah, I'm an entrepeneur. Who cares. You're yuppies, we get it. It's not interesting until it's Angela's turn. She tells us she is a three-time Olympian and has won gold, silver, and bronze medals in Women's Ice Hockey (There's Women's Ice Hockey? Why doesn't anyone tell me these things?). Trump says he's watched her in the Olympics and makes her give him a hug. She hides whatever revulsion she has about this and complies. Other than her sports credentials, and maybe having graduated from Harvard with honors, I'm not sure what exactly qualifies her for The Apprentice. Maybe she made a mistake and tried out for the wrong reality show. When it comes to Martin's turn, he offers to hug Mr. Trump, too, if he could use the bathroom. Suave, real suave. Donald gives the group a task right away. All eighteen of them are to work as a team to build a large tent in the backyard of Trump HQ. One can imagine the chaos that would reign in the event of eighteen average people coming together to build a single tent. It's even worse when a gaggle of yuppies, each one convinced that he or she should be in charge, descend upon the job and start barking orders at one another. At first Heidi, who is an experienced camper, starts to bring order to the chaos by offering clear direction. But Frank, who is experienced at being loud, brings the chaos right back by yelling commands at everyone. He becomes so loud that Trump can hear him from his mansion office and yells out to Frank to keep it down. Martin decides to show off his leadership skills by standing on a tall rock and staring at everyone else doing the work. Finally, the tent is erected and all of the contestants start slapping each other on the back, proud to have accomplished this feat in spite of their Ivy League degrees. The group is then assembled in the board room (in Temporary Trump Manor) to discuss the tent raising. Trump enters, accompanied by his Stepford Daughter, Ivanka. Ivanka is highly qualified to judge Apprentice contestants, who include high-powered attorneys, self-made millionaires, and company executives, because... well, she just is, alright?! Besides, she's so attractive she is obviously a genetic mutant of some sort. That's got to count for something. This time, there's no Carolyn or George. Carolyn was fired last year for exploiting the fame she had gained from the show (apparently only The Donald is allowed to do that). But the decision not to use her or George had nothing to do with that since this season was filmed before she was canned. Trump gives no explanation here for George's absense, but says that the unoccupied seat on his right will be filled by a "special guest". I'm thinking maybe David Hasselhoff. Trump asks the group if anyone emerged as leaders. The consensus seems to be that Frank and Heidi showed the most leadership, mainly because they were the loudest. Trump then gives Heidi and Frank the opportunity to choose teams. Heidi chooses mostly women, while Frank chooses mostly men. Mighty Rock Leader Martin is chosen last. He's not happy about this. "Didn't they see me stand on the rock?" he asks us. The Donald hands them their first challenge - which will be to run a car wash. Whichever team makes the most money at the end of the day wins. Trump also reveals a new twist this season - the project manager will remain the project manager for his or her team as long as that team continues to win. Should that team lose, its members may choose another leader. Frank's team arrives at the car wash in their business suits, which is entirely appropriate attire for running a car wash. Frank jumps into action and starts to manage the group in much the same manner that a chicken whose head had just been cut off would supervise a group of people. He yells a number of vague comments at everyone then runs to a printer to make some promotional materials. In the mean time, having received no direction, the team members back at the car wash are thoroughly confused about what they are supposed to do. So Frank calls them on the cell and yells at them for not doing it. Heidi seems to get her team off and running much more quickly. They make signs out of cardboard and offer each customer who upgrades a free lunch at the hot dog stand across the street. Unlike Frank, who yelled the vague command to his team to "get the girls out front". Heidi understands that West Hollywood is a mostly gay community, so she hires a couple of guys to stand out front holding signs. Princess Ivanka shows up to inspect and notices that all of the detailing bays are empty. Aimee explains they are pushing volume over the more expensive service, so they are pushing the Basic wash instead of detailing. Back at Frank's car wash, the women on the team have changed to casual attire and are out on the street trying to wave drivers into the car wash. Unfortunately, they have no signs, so they end up looking like raving lunatics who like to yell at cars. Frank finally shows up with "signs", which are printed in black and white on standard 8" x 11" printer paper and look like Word documents. So now the women look like raving lunatics who like to yell at cars while holding pieces of paper. Carey convinces Frank that maybe they should go get some signs made that are actually visible to passing drivers. The two of them leave to go make more signs. Meanwhile, Stepford Daughter shows up to observe. It's obvious how badly things are going, but Aaron still tries to diplomatically defend Frank to Ivanka. Meanwhile, James, who admits to being "excited about car washes" is a ball of energy as he talks to Ivanka. Master of the Rock Martin, by contrast, meanders in and tells Ivanka how tired he is. That guy really knows how to make first impressions. Meanwhile, Heidi's marketing plan has drawn so many cars into her car wash that a huge backlog is created and the team is having trouble getting the cars through in a timely basis. In response, each and every team member grabs a towel and starts washing. Back at Frank's car wash, two-thirds of the day has gone by and they are just now getting signs. One of the girls gets up on a ladder to hold her sign. Martin, James, and Aaron get busy trying to upgrade everyone who comes in to rediculously expensive detailing. They offer a "spa treatment" that costs $100. Exactly how much cleaner does a $100 detailing job get a car than, say, a $40 detailing job? Are the customers able to perform surgery in their cars afterward? At the end of the day, everyone gathers back at the Trump HQ driveway (It must be a very special driveway). When the totals are tallied, Heidi's team has won. The surprising thing is that she only won by a few hundred dollars. Martin must've sold a lot of those $100 car washes. Anyway, the winning team gets the privelege of dining with the Donald at Spago, where Wolfgang Puck will be joining them for dinner. That team also gets to move into the HQ mansion. The losing team, on the other hand, has to camp in the backyard, where they will do everything, including taking showers. Trump announces another twist - the project manager of the winning team will get to fill the empty seat at his side in the boardroom when it come time to fire someone from the losing team. Heidi's team rushes into tour their luxurious new home. There's only one bedroom (what's up with that?), but there's a huge pool and hot tub. Heidi's team start to live it up immediately. Frank's team starts playing Survivor in the back yard, dealing with no light at night, harsh wind, creepy crawly things in their tents, and noisy sprinklers keeping them up when they are trying to sleep. Frank's team starts to talk about whom should get fired. Frank knows he as vulnerable as a sick cat behind a Chinese restaurant, so he tries to deflect the blame to lazy Martin. Martin decides to "use psychology" and keep the blame on Frank's shoulders. It's time for the Boardroom meeting and Heidi has a plan. She decides she will try to determine who is the other team's weakest link, then try to convince Trump to keep that person, thereby giving her team the advantage. Or it could just make Trump think she's an idiot. Frank's team file in to Trump Manor to learn their fates. Once in the board room, Frank and Martin predictably blame each other. Martin manages to deliver sound arguments while Frank sounds like a rambling, hyper-active eight-year-old. Martin has a lot to live down with Ivanka and Big Daddy Trump. Ivanka wasn't real impressed with Martin's lack of motion out at the car wash, and Trump still hasn't gotten past Martin's earlier request to use the bathroom. Heidi manages to get in her licks with a few catty questions. Trump asks the entire team who should be fired. The vast majority would fire Frank. Frank, who likes he's about to cry, chooses Martin and Tim to come back to the boardroom with him. After the losers leave the boardroom, Donald asks Heidi whom she would fire, and tells her he's on to her little game of wanting to keep the weakest link, but they won't be doing that. Both Heidi and Ivanka recommend firing Martin. The Donald calls the guys back in. Shortly after the guys come back in, Trump asks Frank if he would fire Tim over Martin. "No, I would not," he responds. "Tim, get out." Trump waves Tim out of the room, leaving Spastic Frank and Rock King Martin to fight it out. In the course of the bruhaha, Frank blurts out that Martin is brilliant, but... Trump interrupts him and tells him how "stupid" it is to call his opponent "brilliant". Trump almost seems to start to make a decision based on that alone. But Ivanka jumps to Frank's aid and starts criticizing Martin, saying he wouldn't "mesh" with the Trump organization and couldn't get into the "nitty-gritty" of business. I don't know what that is, but it sounds like a good name for high-fiber breakfast cereal. Trump finally turns to Martin and says those two little words, "You're fired." "What?" Martin replies in sincere disbelief, "No. No." "He said, 'Martin, you're fired'!" Frank declares, as if no one else heard it. "This is unheard of," Martin whines, "This is horrible. Mr. Trump, you've made a horrible mistake, sir." Yes, surely the Trump organization will crumble without Martin in its ranks. "Martin," Donald says, "As a lawyer, I like you. As a professor, I like you even more. And to be honest with you, I think that's what you should be doing." During the car ride back, Martin tells us he doesn't regret having asked Trump to go to the bathroom. "I had to go." Next week - Designing swimwear.