Episode Recap: The Bachelor - Rome, Week 8 FINALE

Episode 8 Original Air Date: November 27, 2006 It's down to the last two bachelorettes. Will Lorenzo choose the sweet, bubbly, naive young blonde, or will he choose the sweet, bubbly, naive young blonde? Even as this episode begins, Lorenzo claims he's still having trouble deciding between Jen and Sadie. No wonder, they're exactly the same! His Highness feels he needs backup, so he's called in his parents to help him make his decision. Much ado is made in the narration of "Prince and Princess Borghese" coming "back" to Rome to help their son. Nevermind the fact that "Princess" Amanda sounds like she could be from Connecticut. The whole "Prince Lorenzo" bit was cute at the beginning of the season, but at this point it's just insulting to the average viewer's intelligence. Even Lorenzo has admitted on several occasions that the only reason he has a title is because some distant relative who had become Pope decided to start passing out titles to the family. "Hey, Cousin Antonio, I lika the way you dress. I maka you a prince." Lorenzo greets his folks then sits them down to talk. Prince Dad asks Prince Lorenzo how they can help him with the two girls. Lorenzo replies that he needs their advice and help to choose. Princess Mom tells us confidentially that she'd be much happier if Lorenzo already knew for sure which girl he wanted. Later, she tells Lorenzo that she's designed an engagement ring with some big-time jewelry designer. She hopes it can be passed down the family for generations. Odds are, by that time the family will still be milking the Italian titles for all they're worth. The Royal Folks first meet Jen when she comes over to the castle for lunch. They ask the usual questions ("What do you like about Lorenzo?" "Lorenzo, what do you like about Jen?"), and receive the usual vapid answers. However, Princess Mom also asks Jen what are some of the main differences between her and Sadie. Jen says she's tough, and that she's less afraid to show her real self, or some garbage like that. The correct answer is that there are no differences. Later, Princess Mom reads Jen's palm. What? Didn't you know that all Italian princesses go around reading people's palms? Apparently, Princess Mom sees from Jen's hand that she leads with heart instead of her head. Deep. Right before the commercial break, host Chris Harrison says as he narrates, "Next up - Sadie meets the Borgheses. But what will happen when she opens up about being a virgin?" Well, what do you expect will happen, Chris? That this will be a turn-off to Lorenzo's mom? "We're sorry, Sadie, but we were hoping Lorenzo would end up with someone a little more, well, slutty." Dinner with Sadie - more typical questions, more vapid answers. Princess Mom asks Sadie what makes her different from Jen. Said responds that she's "more spunky and spontaneous", and Jen's "more reserved". Princess Mom tells Sadie that that's the same thing Jen said about her. More palm reading. Apparently, Sadie leads with her head, not her heart. Hey, a difference! But then, when Princess Mom is trying to ascertain Sadie's sign, we find out that her birthday is just four days before Jen's. D'oh! Later, when Lorenzo is alone with Prince Dad, he says that he doesn't see any negatives in either Jen or Sadie. Then he asks his dad if he had seen any negatives in Princess Mom when they were dating. Prince Dad replies that it was so long ago, that if he did see any negatives, he doesn't remember. But I think he's just saying that because he knows he's being filmed. If he were being honest, he'd probably something like, "Your mother would taka way too longa doing her hair. We could never-a get anywhere on time, because she spend so mucha time ina the bathroom. Also, she wasa very bossy." The evening ends and the Royal Parents have decided they like both girls. Prince Dad gives both Sadie and Jen a "50/50 chance". In other words, the parents are no help whatsoever so far. They can't be blamed, though. It's like trying to pick a favorite Olsen twin (before the eating disorder). The next day, Princess Mom surprises Lorenzo when she tells him that she's invited both girls and their parents for brunch (Italian royalty can't be bothered to get up early enough for breakfast). As the girls and their parents arrive at the castle, it's apparent that Princess Mom didn't bother to tell anyone else that everyone would be together at the same time. Both girls figured they'd be having Brunch without the other girl. Can you say "awkward"? Earlier, during the limo ride to the castle, Jen tells her parents that she's had lots of romantic times with Lorenzo. Jen's dad says, "But not too romantic, right?" Has this guy ever seen The Bachelor? Regular viewers will remember Jen's Psycho Daddy ("let me show ya muh shotgun") from the hometown dates episode. He tells us he's nervous about meeting Prince Borghese since he's just a good old boy from South Georgia. He says he's praying that he doesn't make a "complete idiot" out of himself. Unfortunately, he's off to a bad start with his clothes. Apparently, he's never heard of the phrase "dress casual". He's going to an ancient Italian castle to have a fancy brunch with fake Italian royalty who might just be his future in-laws, and he's dressed like he's going to a garage sale. Like most hillbillies, he just doesn't seem to realize that there are some occasions in life that call for a pair of Dockers. He also doesn't seem to realize that a logical way to avoid making an idiot of oneself is to keep one's mouth shut. Instead, he goes on and on during brunch about how awkward the situation is and even asks Lorenzo to state in front of everyone which girl he prefers. Even Jen is embarrassed. She should be grateful he had to leave his guns at home. During brunch it is discovered that both Jen's dad and Sadie's dad wear glasses and have facial hair. Both moms are guidance counselors. This is getting spooky. Brunch finally ends and everyone disperses. Later (the next day?), Lorenzo visits each father to ask for the girls' hands in marriage. Jen's dad says that question "is a tough one", but if Lorenzo is sincere and wants what's best for Jen, then he can honor that. That's probably the first non-idiotic thing that has come out of this guy's mouth since he's appeared on the show. Later, Sadie's dad isn't so hesitant and right away gives Lorenzo his blessing. He doesn't hesitate because he trusts his daughter. Besides, the Borgheses are filthy rich! The next day, Lorenzo and Sadie go on a final date before the last Rose Ceremony. (My God, could they possibly drag this out any longer?! Choose already!!) The date begins with Lorenzo taking Sadie sailing on what appears to be a huge lake. Yes, not only can His Princeliness pilot a plane, but he can sail a boat as well. How easy can a guy make it for everyone else to hate him? That evening they have dinner and agree that it's important to be with someone with whom one can share moments of "comfortable silence". They decide to have a moment of comfortable silence. Lorenzo should enjoy it. If he gets married, it will be the last moment of silence, comfortable or otherwise, he'll experience in a long time. At one point, Sadie whips out a little scrapbook she's made for Lorenzo. It contains the first rose he gave her, the first post card he bought her, and the fantasy card, among other things. For Jen's date, Lorenzo takes her horseback riding. They wear helmets the whole time. No self-respecting horseback rider wears a helmet. Yes, there's a definite possibility of getting hurt, but it's not like riding a motorcycle, for Pete's sake. That evening they grill hamburgers on the patio of a small villa that Lorenzo has rented for the occasion. That's definitely a must-do for anyone who takes the trouble to travel all the way to Rome: 1 See the Colliseum 2 Visit Vatican City 3 Grill hamburgers outside It's the morning of The Big Decision, and Lorenzo still isn't sure whom he'll choose. He goes to pick up the ring his mom designed for him (Yes, it's beautiful, what did you expect?) Both girls talk about how they can see themselves spending the rest of their lives with Lorenzo. In other words, filler. Finally, The Moment of Reckoning. Sadie arrives at the castle and Lorenzo takes her by the hands. He stares deeply into her eyes and starts to pour his heart out, "From the moment I met you, I knew I wanted you to stick around... blah blah blah... I knew I was falling for you... blah blah blah..." Enough already! Give us an answer! Finally, he gets down to it - "... In your 'Wish List', you said you deserve a guy who couldn't fathom being with another girl. Well, there is another girl here, and I'd rather be with her." As cold as that sounds, Sadie actually seems to take it better than Lorenzo, who looks like he's about to have a breakdown any minute. "You know what's best for you," she says, "What? Why are you looking at me like that? I'll be fine." But Lorenzo decides to stare at her until she breaks down and cries. She says she feels foolish because she believed that what went on between her and Lorenzo was real. He assures her that it was real... just not as real as what went on between him and Jen. Later, during a confessional in front of the camera, Lorenzo expresses just how hard it was to hurt Sadie's feelings. He breaks down in tears. Sadie cries more during her limo ride away from the castle. It's hard to understand what she's saying amidst all the quiet blubbering and the overly loud mood music of the show. I think it was something like, "I don't understand how I could have such strong feelings for someone and they don't feel the same way... I took a really big chance because I have been really hurt, and now I've been hurt again." Jen's limo pulls up to the castle and she's her usual incredibly bubbly self. She tries to compose herself as she walks in to meet Lorenzo, but she can't repress her girlish giggling, even as Lorenzo gives his speech to her. Finally, Lorenzo shows Jen the ring and says, "I love you. I love everything about you. I'm not at the point where I can ask you to marry me. That doesn't mean I won't be in the long term." He then goes on to say how he wants to get out of "this Garden of Eden" and see if his feelings for her on "Planet Earth" are the same as they have been in Rome. Jen accepts and both seem very happy to be together. Next Season - Lt. Andy Baldwin. He's a doctor! He's an Iron Man Tri-athlete! He's an officer in the Navy! He's got muscles! I'm going to be sick! Spring 2007.

Episode Recap: The Bachelor - Rome, Week 7

Episode 7 Original Air Date: November 20, 2006 It's that time once again for the "The Women Speak!" episode. You may know it by it's rejected title, "An Excuse to Squeeze Another Episode Out of the Bachelor!". This season's reunion episode pretty much contains the same snarky cat-fighting as the other seasons, so I will spare you the blow-by-blow commentary and just list the highlights. Gems from Erica: - On her reaction when the two Italian girls were introduced into the group - "I was a little nervous, because I thought they walked in with such, like, an arrogance about them, and, like, they walked in all slutty. And I'm like, whatever." - To Jami, who had compared herself to Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman - "First of all, why would you want to compare yourself to a prostitute? ...I just think you'd be happier with a different type of man, like a football player, or a country singer." - On living in the Bachelor mansion without maids - "I felt like I was on Survivor or something." From Agnese: - On why she didn't feel Erica was competition - "We are really different person, and, if Lorenzo like Erica, please, don't like me. Please!" - On being rid of Erica after the 2-on-1 date - "I come home with a rose, and I come without Erica! Yes!" From Host Chris Harrison: - To Erica, who had just denied being mean to Agnese - "But you called her 'Skagnese' and 'a prostitute'!" - Responding to Erica, who had just compared living in the Bachelor house without maids to being on Survivor - "Yeah, on that horrible vineyard in Rome!" Finally, from His Worshipfulness, Prince Lorenzo: - To Erica, who had just finished harping yet again on Lorenzo supposedly judging her - "To make this work, you'd have to be a completely different person." Other observations: - Erica was still wearing the tiara when she appeared on this episode. Apparently, the princess delusion is still holding strong. - Agnese's dress looked like she stole it from a dwarf. Seriously, it was like six sizes too small (not that I'm complaining). - The claws of the other women came out when it was Lisa's turn on the hot seat. But she handled it with class and didn't sink to their level.

Episode Recap: The Bachelor - Rome, Week 6

Episode 6 Original Air Date: November 13, 2006 The field has been narrowed to only three bachelorettes this week, and... oh, who gives a crap, anyway? Sorry, I'm still mourning for Agnese. This whole thing seems so pointless without her. Sigh. Anyway, not that it matters, but Lorenzo's first date this episode is with Jen, or as I like to call her, Not Agnese. As you may recall, Jen is a young teacher who lives in Pembroke Pines, Florida, with her Mom and Psycho-Daddy ("Wanna see muh guns?"). Each of the dates Lorenzo will have with the women this round will take place in an exotic location, and Jen's date this episode takes place in Sweden. So to really experience Sweden's unique culture, Lorenzo decides to take Jen to a place the Swedes refer to as an "amusement park". This place has concession stands, booths where you can win stuffed animals, and something called a "roller coaster". It looks like a lot of fun! They ought to build one of those amusement park thingies over here in America! Because this is The Bachelor, it is extremely important that Lorenzo and Jen locate an alcoholic beverage as soon as possible. Thankfully, this amusement park place has a bar. More specifically it has an "Ice Bar", which is basically a large deep freezer where someone will serve you drinks while you stand around wearing a parka and commenting on how cold the place is. It looks like loads of fun. While inside, Lorenzo tells Jen that the bar is not nearly as cold as New York in Wintertime. He asks her if she would consider moving to New York. Being young and therefore stupid, Jen quickly answers yes. "Really? Would your family mind if you moved so far away?" Lorenzo asks. "They'd be fine with it as long as they could visit whenever they wanted." "Would your dad bring his guns?" OK, maybe Lorenzo didn't ask that last question. But if he were smart, he would have. Later over dinner, Jen tells Lorenzo that she's in a place now where she can see herself getting married and having children. Oddly enough, Lorenzo doesn't look frightened when he hears this. Maybe he's had a chance to practice his poker face since Lisa's Crazy Bride routine last episode. Lorenzo asks Jen if she's ever been in love. As she talks about the two times she's been in love in her short life, she seems so sweet and so young. Maybe I'm just getting old, but I am around the same age as Lorenzo. How does he not feel like he's dating his little sister? Lorenzo invites Jennifer to share the Fantasy Suite with him that evening, and she accepts. In the closing scene of this date, the couple take advantage of the suite's jacuzzi. Much smoochifying ensues. Lorenzo's next date is with Lisa, whom I also know as Not Agnese. Lisa's date takes place in Budapest, Hungary (as opposed to Budapest, Iowa). Lorenzo is still smarting from the bridestravaganza he was subjected to on his last date with Lisa. He tells us that he's concerned that she signed up for The Bachelor just to be on TV or to find a husband. He worries that she's not there 'for him'. Ah, Lisa. Why can't she be like the other girls? They seem to have signed up for the show just to be with Lorenzo, nevermind the fact that they had neither met nor heard of him beforehand. They were born just to be available for him to choose from. They've probably known Lorenzo all of four weeks, so they are more than willing to proclaim their undying love for him and immediately start bearing his children. There's only one word to describe women like that - "insane". At first glance, this comment by Lorenzo about Lisa's intentions seems like the height of arrogance. First of all, if these girls didn't want to be on TV, why would they have applied to be on a TV show? Does Prince Charming really think there's no other way these 25 beautiful women could've found dates as good as him? Secondly, as Lorenzo himself points out to Lisa, the whole purpose of The Bachelor is supposedly to find a husband. So what's his deal? I think he's bought into the whole fairy-tale world set up by The Bachelor. This show has got to be the ultimate ego-trip for him, or for any man in his shoes. It would be very easy to lose one's grip on reality. But I digress. Lorenzo decides he wants to begin the date by taking Lisa to a wine festival (of course!). After becoming tired of standing around and drinking, they decide they should go drink on a boat. Over lunch, or maybe it's just over a round of drinks at a table on the boat, Lorenzo asks Lisa some "tough questions". He gets all Perry Mason on her, but starts out subtle. "So, your mom tells me your a big fan of The Bachelor." "Uh-huh." Watch out, Lisa! He's setting a trap! He then asks her what she thought about all of the previous Bachelors. She then digs a hole for herself by trashing all of the previous Bachelors, calling one of them a "total tool". Perhaps realizing her mistake when Lorenzo presses her harder, Lisa says she liked all the guys, and she found them "entertaining". "But you wouldn't want to marry any of them?" Lorenzo asks. "No, I wouldn't want to marry any of them." "But you know The Bachelor is about finding a husband... Did you apply for the show before finding out who [this season's bachelor] was?" "Yeah." "Even after you watched the season about the guy who was a 'tool'?" "Um... yeah." "Don't you think that's weird?" "Kinda." "Well, yeah!" Ooh, good work, Councilor! And strike one for Lisa! Dinner doesn't seem to go much better. Lorenzo interrogates Lisa about her past relationships and gets her to admit she fell in love with one guy while still dating another, then applying for The Bachelor just three weeks after breaking up with that guy. Strike Two! Lorenzo also tells Lisa that he doesn't see himself moving out to Portland to be with her, and asks if she would consider moving to New York. "I don't know," she says, "That's a big move. We'll have to cross that bridge as we go through it." Strike Three! Normally, a person is out after three strikes. But Lorenzo is a man-skank, so he invites Lisa to share the Fantasy Suite with him that evening. In the suite, Lisa admits to Lorenzo that she felt "put on the spot" by his questions. Lorenzo tells us that he was glad to see Lisa nervous after being comfortable throughout her entire experience on the show. Much smoochifying ensues. Lorenzo's last exotic date this episode takes place in Sicily with sweet little virgin Sadie, or as I affectionately call her, Not Agnese. Sadie tells us she's nervous about being invited up to the Fantasy Suite. Committed to remaining a virgin until marriage, she isn't sure she wants to be alone in a room with Lorenzo all night. She's also nervous about how physical he may have gotten with the other girls in their Fantasy Suites, which just demonstrates how rediculous this show is. All these attractive women share their "boyfriend" with each other, and they do it willingly! Only on TV. The first thing the happy couple do is sip champagne while relaxing on chaise lounge chairs while viewing the Sicilian countryside. Lorenzo tells Sadie he intends to take her scuba diving next. But, wait! There's no alcohol under water! How will they manage?! Somehow they muddle through. The whole scuba diving session takes place in a swimming pool. What is the point of that? At least they round off the day giving each other body massages. Over dinner, the conversation goes very well. They seem to want the same things out of life and Lorenzo appears to be surprised and delighted by all of Sadie's answers to his questions. Sadie becomes nervous about just how well things are going and excuses herself from the table so she can think about what she wants to do next (she leaves the table before, not after Lorenzo gets a chance to pull out the Fantasy Card like the promos would have us believe). When she comes back she tells Lorenzo that she doesn't know whether he plans to invite her to the Fantasy Suite, but she is nervous about going up. Of course, she adds, that doesn't mean she won't do it. wink! wink! Lorenzo tells her he totally understands her moral convictions and that he'll offer the invitation, but without any pressure to do anything but talk. Sadie accepts. Much smoochifying ensues. The Rose Ceremony - Three girls, one rose. Funny how the narrator is always there to help us do the math. Lorenzo wants to keep this short, because this time it is very difficult for him since he's so attached to all three women. Difficult for him? These women all look like they're going to pass out if they don't immediately find out who gets the roses. The first rose goes to Sadie. The second rose goes to Jennifer. Lisa is left out. Lorenzo walks Lisa out and sits her down to discuss his decision. He better make it quick. Lisa has to hurry and find the next guy so she can make her wedding deadline. Lorenzo tells her that if he were to ask her to marry him and she said "yes", he could never be sure if she accepted because she truly loved him or because of her Love Calendar. The discussion then descends into a silly argument about whether Lisa primarily applied to The Bachelor to have fun, or because she was serious about finding a man. In the limo, Lisa tells us Lorenzo made a mistake, but she doesn't bad-mouth the other women, so we'll put her on the Classy Exit list. Next week - The reunion show. Lisa faces the girls who trashed her. More Erica!

Episode Recap: The Bachelor - Rome, Week 5

Episode 5 Original Air Date: October 30, 2006 There comes a time in every relationship where a man is brought home to "meet the parents", the people who might be his future in-laws. For Prince Lorenzo, that time is now. He too must meet the parents, all eight of them. In this episode, he joins the four remaining girls individually on "home town dates". First up is cute little virgin Sadie, who hails from San Diego. The entire meeting with Sadie's family can best be described with one word, "sweet". We're talking Willy Wonka's chocolate factory kind of sweet. As soon as everybody sits down in the living room, Sadie's mom asks her to tell her "everything". "I've missed you so much!" she says. "I've missed you, too, Mama!" Aw.... During a private moment with her mother, Sadie gushes, "He's just so smart, and humble, and he really reminds me of Daddy." At that moment, dancing Oompah Loompahs come trotting out from the closet. There is one poignant question asked of Lorenzo during dinner. Sadie's mother asks him to list his criteria for the ideal mate. "Well," Lorenzo responds, "I'm looking for honesty... and my best friend." In other words, "Uh, I dunno." It's time to say goodbye to the family. "I love you guys!" Sadie tells everyone at once. "We love you!" Sugar rush! Ow, my head! Sadie takes Lorenzo to the beach, where they lie down by a campfire and gaze at the ocean. At this point, they can either talk about baseball or makeout. Apparently, neither of them is much of a sports fan. It turns out we have a special treat this episode. Right before commercial breaks, we get to watch some more clips of everyone's favorite psychotic little rich girl Erica wax philosophically about the remaining girls. Finally, the voice of reason! Let's see what wisdom she has to share with us this evening - "You can take the girl from the broom and the mop, but you can never take the maid from the girl." OK, I think I understand what she's saying here. If Lorenzo marries a maid, she can try her hardest to adapt to wealth and luxury, but in the end she won't be able to resist the urge to clean up the place. Wow, deep. Next up is Lisa, who hails from Portland. Lisa reminds us of her "timeline". She's scheduled to be married by this time next year, and to have had kids by the time she's 30. It has to happen - it's in her Day Planner and everything! It's not even in pencil, so Lorenzo needs to get on the stick, even if Lisa hasn't clued him in on her schedule yet. Lorenzo tells us that it's high time Lisa started showing some emotion towards him. Of course it is. She's probably known him for almost 4 weeks by now. Why hasn't she proclaimed her undying love for him yet? Lisa greets Lorenzo in a park while she's walking her pug. This little dog has got to have the longest tongue of any dog in the world. He could be a member of KISS. While Lorenzo and Lisa are hanging out at her house, he best friend Ally shows up carrying a wedding dress for Lisa. Lisa asks her why she brought the dress. "Well, I found out you were in the final four," Ally replies, "I figured you might need this." Ally then insists Lisa go try it on. One has to wonder if Ally is truly Lisa's friend, or if she's jealous that Lisa is on The Bachelor and is trying to sabotage her. As Lisa is in the other room trying on the dress, Allie asks Lorenzo, "So, did she tell you about her timeline?" Lisa needs to find a new friend. If Lorenzo wasn't scared by the mountain of bridal magazines on Lisa's coffee table, he will definately be by this. In fact, Lorenzo tells us that he's concerned that Lisa might be in this to get married, and not just because she likes him. Yes, how shameful it would be if Lisa applied to The Bachelor to find a possible future husband, and not because she had already fallen in love with some guy she hadn't even met! Her family isn't much help. "Did she show you her bride's magazines?" Her father asks Lorenzo over dinner. At one point, Lisa's mom has Lorenzo on the floor doing pilates. It turns out Mom is a pilates instructor and just can't resist teaching the exercise to people she's just met. Lorenzo is a good sport and goes along with it. The evening ends with Lorenzo kissing Lisa goodbye and then riding away in an SUV. More wisdom from Erica, who is now taking a bubble bath but still wearing her tiara - "I'd hate to see him get his heart broken by a sneaky little thing like her. She's like a little prostitute." It's not clear whom she's talking about, but judging from her past comments, one can surmise it's Lisa she's calling a prostitute. Yes, too bad Lisa isn't chaste like Erica, who evidently doesn't mind taking a bath in front of millions of people. Next up is Jennifer from Miami. Jennifer takes Lorenzo deep sea fishing and manages to catch a small shark. Lorenzo is apparently a catch-and-release fisherman since he tells the guide to throw the shark back. But first, Lorenzo suggests to Jennifer that she kiss the shark goodbye, and she obliges. Shortly thereafter Lorenzo kisses her. Ick! She just kissed a shark! Lorenzo will kiss anybody. After the fishing excursion, Jennifer brings Lorenzo home to meet the folks. Jennifer tells us she's a daddy's girl. Jennifer's dad tells us, "It wouldn't matter if Lorenzo is an Italian prince, or king, or the President of the United States... What matters is are you worthy of my little girl." His interrogation of Lorenzo begins during dinner: "So Lorenzo, you're an Italian prince. Your lineage is royalty. What exactly is an Italian prince?" "Are you at a time in your life when you'd like to start a family and settle down with a life-long partner?" Those questions don't read like an interrogation, but Jennifer's father asks them in a tone that makes him sound like he thinks he's a cop on Law & Order. What Daddy doesn't seem to realize is that Lorenzo isn't the one who's supposed to be auditioning at this point. Lorenzo tries point that out with his response, "I'm not here to ask your daughter's hand in marriage yet." Pop is not moved. "You know Jen, this isn't exactly how I pictured you finding a husband." A reasonable response from Jen would be, "Shut up, Dad! I'm trying to win a freakin' contest, here! You're not helping!" But instead, she just smiles and clears the table. "My dad wouldn't have reacted in front of Lorenzo if he didn't like him," she tells us. Lucky Lorenzo. Later, Lorenzo and the old guy convene to a back room for a man-to-man talk. In an apparent effort to make Lorenzo feel comfortable, Dad takes out his shotgun, cocks it, and explains to Lorenzo exactly what he would do to any man that mistreats his daughter. Lorenzo should run at this point, not because he's afraid of the old man, but because he doesn't want to have Norman Bates for a father-in-law. But he stays put and nervously endures the rest of the evening. At the end, it looks like even forgets to stick his tongue down Jennifer's throat when he says goodbye. Hey, another gem from Erica! - "I think I have things in common with Princess Diana, I guess. Though she used to be a nanny and I would never want to be one." You know, this whole time I've been trying to figure out who Erica reminds me of, and that's it! She's exactly like Princess Di! I mean, except for the fact that Diana had class and treated others with respect, and that there were people who actually liked Diana, and that Diana chose to spend her time doing important charity work instead of being a Paris Hilton wanabe, and Diana wasn't insane, and that whole part about Diana being a princess in reality and not just in her head. But other than those things, Erica is just like Diana. Also, it was really humble of Erica to compare herself to a former nanny. I'm sure Di would be really honored to hear that if she were alive. The final home town date takes place in Venice with Agnese. Lorenzo is still blathering on about how he's concerned about the communication factor. Meanwhile, Agnese tells us excitedly, "I'm happy, but I couldn't a sleep last night, because I was so excited but also so nervous for introduce him to my parents." Come on! How could anyone not find that adorable? "I miss you!" Agnese tells Lorenzo when they meet, "Where are you?" "Here!" She means "Where have you been?", you stupid jerk. Agnese takes Lorenzo on a tour of Venice. This may come as a surprise to some readers, but Venice has actual streets that people can walk on. Or maybe that just comes as a surprise to me. I know it sounds stupid, but I always wondered about that. From the pictures of Venice that the rest of the world sees, one could get the impression that gondolas are the only form of transportation in that city. Of course, the happy couple do take the obligatory gondola ride, which I believe is required by law for all dating couples in Venice. The city is beautiful. Agnese is beautiful. The boat is beautiful. So Captain Smoochie Face jumps into action. Much spit swapping ensues. Oh, wait! More from Erica - "They're all just like, 'I'm so happy for this girl. I'm so happy for the other girls that are on the date. I'm so happy for everyone.' And it's just like, don't lie." She's right. Those other girls should be more like Erica and make mean, catty comments about each other. That would be much classier. Agnese takes Lorenzo home to meet her family - Dad, Mom, Sister, and Brother. Out of the whole brood, Agnese and her dad are the only ones who speak any English. But Agnese translates and it's not as awkward as the promos made it look. After dinner, everybody gets up to dance and a good time is had by all. At the end of the evening, Lorenzo is genuinely sad to say goodbye to Agnese. So he lets her know by slobbering noisily on her face. Oh, good, here's Erica again. She has a particularly serious look on her face this time. What she has to say must be important and deep - "We'd like to see him with a real woman, and not just a bunch of little girls." That's a good idea, Erica. If you meet a real woman, be sure to let Lorenzo know. The Rose Ceremony - Roses are handed out to Sadie, Jennifer, and Lisa. Agnese will be going home. What the Heck?!! Apparently, Lorenzo would rather be with Bridezilla Lisa or Jennifer and her Psycho Daddy than deal with a temporary communications challenge with Agnese, for whom he obviously has real feelings. As he walks Agnese out, he sits down with her to explain why they can't be together. During the conversation, they both start to cry. Lorenzo is bawling like a little girl. He tearfully explains that it's his fault ("it's not you, it's me"). If only he could speak Italian, Agnese would have a rose. The big idiot. Agnese tells him he's right and that she's naturally disappointed. They hug and descend into a blubbery mess. Later, in the limo, Agnese tells us, "I tried. It didn't work out... but I tried. For me it's difficult to divide heart and um... head. But I think he use more head than heart." Not one nasty word about the other girls, or how she deserved a rose so much more than them. It's an altogether classy exit. Take notes, Erica. Speaking of Erica, we're treated to even more of her insights during the closing credits - "Of the three girls that have roses, Sadie and Jennifer are like vanilla milkshakes. They're a little different - Sadie's a virgin, Jen is not. But other than that, you know, there's not much difference. And Lisa is like a vanilla milkshake with a cinnamon stick stuck in it and some chocolate sprinkles and a drab of beer. But like instead, I'm like a champagne-flavored milkshake..." As she says this, I can't help but imagine how a champagne-flavored milkshake must taste awfully nasty - much like Erica. Next week - One-on-one overnight dates across Europe. Lorenzo asks Lisa hard questions about her intentions. Sadie's vow is put to the test.

Episode Recap: The Bachelor - Rome, Week 4

Episode 4 Original Air Date: October 23, 2006 Prince Lorenzo's stable is down to six phillies and it's time for him to cull the herd a little more. After tonight's episode, the girls that remain will have the pressure privelege of introducing His Dimpledness to their parents. So choose wisely, Your Worship, choose wisely. Host Chris Harrison tells the girls that this week two of the girls will be going one-on-one with Lorenzo while the rest apply the full-court press on a group date. How will those two fortunate girls who get some special alone time with His Princeliness be chosen? All of the girls must answer two questions. Their answers will be judged and the winners will receive the one-on-one dates. The two questions are: Who is the least deserving to be a princess? Who is the least sincere? These questions are especially difficult because, as we all know, women on The Bachelor just hate to bad-mouth each other. Of course, the person chosen to judge the answers to these questions would need to be mature, level-headed, and insightful. So logically, Crazy Little Rich Girl Erica, who got the boot last episode, is brought back to judge. But the girls don't find this out until after they've answered the questions. Since Erica has had time to reflect on her experience on the show, maybe she's been humbled a little and has come to realize that what is important is not a person's station in life, but rather what's on the inside. Maybe she's come to see that she needs to focus on the quality of her own character and not care so much about superficial and material things. Or not. As she walks into the door of the cottage, the first thing she says is, "What's up, bi***es?" That's one classy, classy lady. Later, Erica tells us the reason she's qualified to judge who's worthy of Prince Lorenzo's company is that she is a "real princess". Then she adjusts her tiara. One of these days she needs to tell us which royal family in Galveston she is descended from. During this confessional, she says that "Agneezy" will definately not be getting a one-on-one date. This is the closest she's come to pronouncing Agnese's name (pronounced On-yay'-say) correctly. Enough about Erica, back to the girls' answers to the two probing questions listed above. Though the girls answer individually in front of a camera in a private room, they all agree that Lisa is the least deserving of Lorenzo's hand. The consensus seems to be that she is a fake and a backstabber. But I think she's just guilty of being Lorenzo's early favorite and then maybe rubbing it in the other girls' faces a little. Lisa, on the other hand, believes that Jennifer is the least deserving and least sincere, and then adds, "she's not that pretty without makeup". Hey, some old barns need painting. There's no shame in that. Cute little virgin Sadie stands alone in this contest. Though she also believes that Lisa is the least deserving, she breaks down in tears because she hates speaking badly of another person. Erica seems moved by this. As Erica says her latest goodbye to the girls, Chris tells them that they will have to wait until the date boxes arrive to find out whom she chose for the one-on-one dates. The first date box arrives and it reveals that Sadie will get to go on the first one-on-one. The first thing Lorenzo does on the date is to take Sadie up in a little private plane. Sadie is turned on as she watches His Grace pilot the plane. (Big show-off). Lorenzo even lets Sadie take the controls for a while. Later, they spend some quality time in a thermal hot tub while drinking champagne. This is shocking, as it is a full 15 minutes into the episode before someone is shown drinking alcohol. This must be some kind of record for The Bachelor. While in the hot tub, Lorenzo gets flirty with Sadie, so she thinks he's going to try to kiss her. That turns out to be wishful thinking as they eventually leave the tub without so much as a peck. But the night is young. Meanwhile, the basket for the group date arrives back at the house. Desiree, Agnese, Jeannette, and Lisa will be going on this one. All the girls either scream or jump up and down as their names are read off. I've never seen four girls so happy about being forced to share a guy. Jennifer, the one who's supposedly not that pretty without makeup, will get to go on the other one-on-one date. Oddly enough, she seems the most sedate. Later, Lisa tells us what she really thinks, "Going on a group date sucks. I didn't come here to make best friends." Well, judging from the other girls' earlier answers to those questions, she certainly doesn't have to worry about that. Back on the one-on-one, the couple is having a romantic rooftop dinner. Sadie is trying to convince Lorenzo that he really wants to kiss her. The conversation goes something like this: "Don't bother denying it. I know you want to kiss me." "I do? I mean, what makes you think..." "Because!" "Because why?" "I see that look in your eye!" "What look? I don't..." "You want to kiss me, dang it! Stop arguing with me!" I may have paraphrased some of that conversation. I may have made some of it up entirely. It doesn't matter. What matters is His Smoochiness is only too happy to give in and apply his face to Sadie's. Sadie then gives Lorenzo a T-shirt to motivate him to come to California to meet her folks. Later, Lorenzo gives Sadie a rose, followed by more tongue-wrestling. Eventually it's time for the group date. Lorenzo decides on an all-day toga party at the Roman Acqueducts. The date begins with a series of chariot races. The girl who wins the chariot races will get a wish fulfilled by Lorenzo. Jeanette eventually comes out victorious and thus wins the wish (which she doesn't decide on right away). None of this makes any sense since the girls don't actually drive the chariots, but just ride along as passengers as trained toga proffesionals do all the work. Later the toga party adjourns to a pool where, of course, there's booze. Lorenzo reveals to the girls that there is no rose on this date, so everyone should just focus on having fun. He later sets the example by tackling Desiree and tumbling with her into the pool. Everyone else joins them in the pool, togas and all. As fortune would have it, there just so happens to be cameras situated under water so that we are not spared any shot of the girls in wet togas. It's funny how these things work out. After awhile, Italian hottie Agnese pulls Lorenzo to the side. She tells him she was jealous that Sadie got to go on the one-on-one date. She wishes she could "spend all the time" with Lorenzo. Lorenzo asks her if the language barrier would make it awkward for her parents if she brought him home to meet them. Not to worry, she assures him, she has an Italian-English dictionary! Again, being a single guy, Lorenzo doesn't see how the language barrier makes Agnese perfect for him. Not only would his wife not try to talk to him while he's watching TV, but he would never have to listen to his in-laws! Jeanette, the winner of the wish, also pulls him aside. She wants him to know that she "really, really" likes him, as opposed to those other girls who probably only like him with one "really". Jeannette tells Lorenzo that every glance or look she gets from him means so much to her. Well, why wouldn't she be so madly in love with the guy? After all, she's known him for such a long time at this point. Jeannette also tells Lorenzo that since he usually seems so stressed at the Rose Ceremonies, that her wish is for him to relax and enjoy this moment. Lorenzo confides to us that he thought that choice for her wish was a "cop-out". But, he admits he's "intrigued" by Jeanette and wants to get to know her better. That must mean he's going to Bloomington, IL (her hometown)! Who wouldn't be excited about going to Bloomington? I mean, besides everybody. The time for the one-on-one date with Jennifer rolls around. Lorenzo takes her on a carriage ride through Rome, culminating in a dinner on a rooftop overlooking the Vatican. They have some light conversation, and Jennifer bashfully giggles through a lot of it. She seems like a sincere, sweet kid who doesn't have a clue about or any desire to flirt. It's a wonder she hasn't gotten trampled by the hussies who share the house with her. Meanwhile back at the house, while Jeanette tries to give her confessional to the camera, Desiree and Lisa run through the background naked. They say they just wanted to relieve some stress. It seems like they just wanted to relieve themselves of their own clothes. Shockingly, they had been drinking shortly before this incident. Back at the rooftop in Rome, Lorenzo and Jennifer are holding hands while telling each other how their parents met. Lorenzo believes "there's only one person for each person. And for that reason..." He then hands her the rose. That means he's going to Miami (her hometown). Miami is nice, but it's no Bloomington. Later, Lorenzo takes Jennifer to the Trevi Fountain. He tells her to toss in some gold coins, which he had provided her for the occasion, and make a wish. Big deal. You can do that in almost any shopping mall in North America. Of course, the fountains in the shopping malls here aren't over 250 years old, but I bet the Trevi Fountain doesn't have a food court right next to it. Lorenzo takes this opportunity to plant a big wet one on Jennifer. That Lorenzo, he's so shy. It's the night of the Rose Ceremony and there are just two roses to give to the four remaining girls, Desiree, Lisa, Jeanette, and Agnese (remember, Sadie and Jennifer already received their roses). Each of the four girls pulls Lorenzo aside to profess undying love for him. You would expect Jeannette would try to sell Lorenzo by emphasizing the fact that she's from Bloomington. Surprisingly, she doesn't take that route. Host Chris Harrison arrives and announces it's time for Lorenzo to make his choices. He gives a rose to Lisa, then another to Agnese. That means Desiree and Jeannette are going home. Apparently, the allure of Bloomington just wasn't enough for Lorenzo to pick Jeanette. During her tearful confession to the camera, Desiree calls Lisa a "dumb girl who is just here to play the game" and says that Agnese is probably only here out of curiosity. She doesn't think either of them truly have feelings for Lorenzo. This has to be the dumbest thing said by anyone on The Bachelor, yet it's repeated every season by almost every bachelorette. Look, no one truly has feelings for the bachelor at this point. For crying out loud, they've known the guy for maybe two weeks, maybe a little more. In that time, they've had to share him with several other women, most of whom he's kissed. Sure, most of these girls probably think they have feelings for him. But they are more likely in love with the idea of being in love. Besides that, they are probably heavily influenced by the fact that all of these other women also want the same man. Not to generalize, but one thing that makes a man attractive to a woman is the knowledge that other women also find the man attractive. Of course, all that alcohol probably helps, too. For those reasons, The Bachelor is one of the most rediculous shows ever to be broadcast on television. Maybe that's why I love to watch. Next week - Meet the parents (all eight of them). Erica comes back to give her thoughts on the remaining girls (finally, the Voice of Reason).

Episode Recap: The Bachelor - Rome, Week 3

Episode 3 Original Air Date: October 16, 2006 As the episode begins, the girls are told that this week there will be a group date with Lorenzo, a two-on-one date, and a one-on-one date. In other words, a typical week for most of us guys. Who will be that special girl who gets to go on the one-on-one date? There is only one fair way to decide this - an opera singing contest. A prominent opera teacher is brought in to teach the girls how to sing. What follows is one of the most painful things ever seen or heard on TV. None of these girls could carry a tune to save their lives. Fortunately for them, they are judged on how hard they try as opposed to actual vocal ability. The opera teacher chooses Jami as the winner. This doesn't sit too well with Poor Little Rich Girl Erica. "I still don't think Erica and Lorenzo are compatible," she blubbers, "There's no way she's getting a rose tonight." As Lorenzo and Jami drive off to the opera, Erica is the only one who doesn't wave. One would think that all that princess training Erica has supposedly received would include instruction on how to show some class. Incidentally, for tonight Lorenzo gives Jami what has to be the shiniest earrings and necklace I have ever seen. Once at the opera hall, it appears the couple have the entire place to themselves. Sensing that Jami hasn't suffered enough humiliation today, His Highness makes her sing for him the opera piece that she had sung earlier. It is no less painful this time. Ever the gentleman, His Blow-Driedness claps and says, "That is the best opera I have ever seen." Notice he said seen, not heard. Later, the stage curtains open to reveal Vittorio Grigolo. What? You've never head of Vittorio Grigolo, one of the most famous opera singers in all the world? What kind of uncultured neanderthal are you? (Actually, I had to Google the guy to find out his last name. Lorenzo only referred to him as "Vittorio".) Vittorio starts to sing and gives a truly beautiful performance. In response, Lorenzo stands up and extends his hand to Jami to invite her to dance. As Vittorio sings, Lorenzo holds Jami in his arms as they sway back and forth and gaze into each other's eyes... Excuse me while I go toss my cookies. In a fitting ending to a perfectly fake evening, Lorenzo explains to Jami why he can't give her the rose, "As I was looking at you, I was thinking, 'Wow, this girl is so beautiful... but this is like dancing with my best friend.'" Ooh, that has got to hurt. What's worse, Jami is sent home in the back seat of a station wagon. Sure, it's a Mercedes station wagon, but still, let the girl keep some of her dignity! What bothers me most about this is not how much it apparently hurts Jami, but that Erica will feel vindicated by it. The next morning, the girls are sitting waiting in their mansion. A voice is heard from a small speaker, "Good morning, Angels!" "Good morning, Charlie!" Sorry, wrong show. The next morning Prince Lorenzo picks up six of the girls for the overnight group date, which will start off with a round of wine-tasting under the Tuscan sun. That's what this show needs, more alcohol. Lorenzo and the bachelorettes will probably all need to check into rehab after this show is over. Jeannette pulls Lorenzo to the side for some one-on-one time. We haven't heard much from Jeannette so far, probably because she's just not a big enough hoochie. Jeannette says it's because she's shy. Later, Lorenzo says that their conversation was the most meaningful he's had so far. So, Jeannette's using the old "meaningful conversation" trick. That sneaky girl. Meanwhile, Lisa asks the other girls, "Do you think Lorenzo thinks this is romantic?" Why wouldn't he? There they are, in a beautiful Tuscan vinyard, sipping wine, just the seven of them. Lisa goes on to say how she thought her one-on-one date with Lorenzo was much more romantic. That's a smooth move. Surely the other girls just love to be reminded over and over again of Lisa's one-on-one time with Lorenzo. Desiree is definately not happy with Lisa right now, and tells us so. Back at the mansion, Erica and Italian hottie Agnese, the two girls who are not on the group date, are taking advantage of this time together to bond and get to know each other on a deeply personal basis. Yeah, right. Erica is still calling Agnese (pronounced On-yay'-say) "Agnes". They receive their date box, which contains a message that says, "One rose, one stays, one goes." Someone probably stayed up all night thinking up that verse. The ever bashful Agnese tells Erica, "The rose is mine." "I don't think so," Erica says. Later, Agnese tells us, "My opinion of Erica, she is crazy, but not very, very beautiful." I wish Agnese would just open up and tell us what she's thinking. Over in Tuscany, the group has gathered around a swimming pool. Fortunately, there's a wet bar near the pool. After all, it's probably been a good twenty minutes since any of these people have had a drink. We wouldn't want their bodies to go into shock. Sadie takes Lorenzo to the side and tells him she's still a virgin. Lorenzo thanks her for sharing that with him, and that makes him admire her even more. It's a sad statement on society when it's considered a miracle that someone has made it to the ripe old age of 23 without losing their virginity. Later, sensing that the other girls just don't hate Lisa enough, Lorenzo pulls her to the side for some one-on-one time. "We haven't had any one-on-one time since our date," he says. I think there are still girls on this group date who have never had one-on-one time with him. Predictably, one of the girls (Jeannette) tells us that she senses that Lisa can't be trusted, that maybe she's not sincere about her feelings for Lorenzo. Now there's an accusation you haven't heard thrown around every single season of The Bachelor. What's next? Will someone try to say that Lisa's on the show "for the wrong reasons"? That would be shocking. Speaking of that, what the heck are the right reasons for being a contestant on this show? No reasonable person would believe that this is the best way to find one's soul mate. Twenty-five attractive women immediately fall madly in love with some doofus they've never met. In the meantime, that doofus, while under the influence of alcohol, is able to narrow this group down through a series of two-minute conversations until he ends up with the one woman who's meant to be the mother of his children. And we're supposed to believe that everyone is participating because they're truly in love with the doofus. But I digress. Once Lorenzo and Lisa are alone, he wastes no time telling her why he pulled her aside. He wants a kiss. "Gee," Lisa says, "I don't know. I mean, we hardly know each other and I only do that with a guy if I know he really has feelings for me." ... maybe in Alternate Universe Bachelor In this universe, Lisa is only too happy to oblige. What follows is the noisiest kiss I've ever heard on TV. Slurp, smack, sluuuurrrp. Lorenzo says he can do that all night. If he did, it would probably keep the neighbors awake. Back at the bachelorette pad, Erica explains to us her secret for communicating so well with Agnese, "I speak English very slowly... And I speak English with an Italian accent, so Agnes understands me perfectly." Get this girl a job at the United Nations. In Tuscany, Lorenzo and company are playing "Truth or Dare" in his bedroom. The "dare" part gives the girls the opportunity to take turns being skanky. When it comes to Lorenzo's turn, he chooses "truth". Sadie asks him which girls has he kissed. He responds by saying he's kissed all of them, which is true since he's kissed them on the cheek. Smooth. Later the next morning, Lorenzo pulls Jennifer to the side and asks her about her teaching career. Surprisingly, the chat ends with a little kiss on the mouth. Maybe Lorenzo has turned into a kissing fool now. Later that morning during breakfast, Lorenzo gives the rose to Jeannette. Needless to say, Lisa is a little surprised. Sadie wonders if telling Lorenzo that she is saving herself has damaged her chances. She shouldn't worry. If it has damaged her chances with Lorenzo, he's not the man for her anyway. It is now time for the two-on-one date and Erica and Agnese leave in a limosine to meet His Princeliness. Erica tells us, "I think I'm %100 right for Lorenzo and I think Agnese is the least attractive girl in the house. I just don't think she's princess material." Earth to Erica. Come in, Erica. Agnese tells us, "I'm going to get a rose on this date, no matter what." Let the cat fight begin! Once the girls arrive at Lorenzo's bachelor castle, His Kissiness tells the girls that he's changed his mind and that he would rather the three of them hang out around the castle and eat pizza and drink beer. Talk about romantic! Since the girls are dressed in evening gowns, he invites them to borrow some of his clothes so they can be comfortable. Why do women look so much better in our clothes than we do? We are treated to more wisdom from Erica, "Lorenzo is royalty. He's not a commoner, and he definately needs me. No one else here could do the job. I think Agnes is a gold digger. And like, he could find a girl like Jen anywhere. A girl like Sadie that's a virgin, ok, like maybe that's a little bit rare. And like, a girl like Lisa is just a notch up from that. And I am like seven notches up from that. I am still into Lorenzo, and I would like to get a rose. And after that I would like him to stop being such a dumb*** and start showing some interest in me." Erica is the most genuine girl in the whole house - genuinely nuts. Lorenzo tells us that he likes Agnese, but he's still concerned about the language barrier. "You need to be able to communicate to have a relationship," he says. At that moment, all the married men watching yell, "Are you crazy? That's the perfect woman! She won't be trying to talk to you while you're watching TV!" The time comes for Lorenzo to give the rose to one of the girls. One of them will be going home. He starts off by telling Erica how she's an "amazing girl" and that "it would be tough to find fault" with her. Yeah, until she opens her mouth. But, Lorenzo feels that because Erica seems so different tonight than she did before that she would be the type of person who would just change to suit him. Lorenzo wants a girl who will be herself no matter what. Personally, I didn't see this "change" in Erica, but hey, whatever gets Crazy Girl out the door. As Lorenzo walks the lunatic downstairs, she begins blubbering about how it's unfair because she's been "judged" her whole life because she's rich and pretty and smart, and she thought that Lorenzo would feel the same way she does because he's probably been judged his whole life for the same reasons, and... and... waaaaahhhh!!!! The limosine door closes, but Erica concludes she hasn't blubbered enough. So she rolls down her window to tell Lorenzo that he doesn't really know her and that she's sorry he's made such a terrible mistake. A class act to the end. Lorenzo goes upstairs to join Agnese. As they stand out on the balcony looking at the lights of Rome, he tells her to "keep looking". Soon, a fireworks show erupts just for them. Lorenzo, still in a kissing mood, starts to play wide-mouthed smoochy face with Agnese. Finally, the Rose Ceremony. Tonight, the girl without a rose is Gina. As Gina tearfully tells us that she was really surprised to be sent home and that she would have given her all to Lorenzo, everyone at home wonders, "Who the heck is Gina?" Seriously, I don't even remember seeing this girl until now. Next week - Toga party in a pool! Skankiness erupts! Later this season - Erica returns to pit the girls against each other. Lorenzo makes it a point to kiss everyone.

Episode Recap: The Bachelor - Rome, Week 2

Episode 2 Original Air Date: October 9, 2006 It's the first day after the party and host Chris Harrison gathers the herd outside the mansion. He informs them that two group dates will take place in the next couple of days, followed by a rose ceremony. Whoever doesn't receive a rose at that ceremony, he tells them, will be going home. All the girls ooh and ahh like they've never seen the show before. Chris also informs the girls that since tree-hugger Lisa received the special rose during the party, she will get to go on the first one-on-one date with Lorenzo. Poor little rich girl Erica lets us know she is "really annoyed" that Lisa won that privilege. "All she had to do to get it is run around and hug some trees." Maybe Erica ought to remind Lorenzo how she had to fly coach all the way to Rome. Incidentally, Erica wore an actual tiara to the overnight party, and today she's still wearing it. I wonder if she sleeps with it. The girls open the "Date Box" and find out that Erica, Jami, Ellen, Sadie, and Agnese will be going on the first group date. On my last post, I guessed six different ways to spell "Agnese" (pronounced On-yay'-say) and none of those guesses were correct. Speaking of Agnese, our Italiana piccante, she tell us, "I'm not speak a lot english. I don't understand anything, and the first day that we are at home, we are all twelve girl together." Then, she gives us her impression of her fellow Bachelorettes, "It's hard living with American girls. They are crazy. Really crazy." All of the American men who are watching at this moment can be heard to say, "Yeah, tell me about it!" Later, Erica takes Chris Harrison aside to complain about the dismal living conditions she's being subjected to in the house, "I just, like, don't want to live in a room with three other girls. My room at home is like ten times that size. And, I don't see any maids." "There are no maids," Chris tells her. "That's rediculous. But can I hire one of the other girls to be my maid?" I can see the other girls just lining up for that opportunity. To Chris' credit, he somehow keeps from laughing in Erica's face the whole time, though it looks like he's trying really hard to hold back a chuckle. Instead, he tells her that she'll have to deal with it and hopefully come to think that Lorenzo is worth it. Wow, first this girl has to fly coach, and now she has to make her own bed! I sure hope Lorenzo appreciates all the sacrifices she's making for him. Finally, His Eminence Prince Lorenzo arrives to pick the girls up for the group date. Lorenzo asks them, "Do you know I've never been on a date with five women before?" It's uncanny. This is yet another thing Prince Lorenzo and I have in common. No, wait, that's the only thing he and I have in common. The first stop for Lorenzo and his fly girls is the Colliseum. While there, Lorenzo takes Agnese aside for a brief moment of quality time. Erica tells us, "The Italian girl's name is Agnes, or like Agnassy, or like something really weird like that. I'm very indifferent towards her, because she really barely speaks english, like at all." I guess like, Agnase's not like, totally eloquent in like, english like Erica is. His Loftiness tells us, "My only concern with Agnese is that there might be a communication barrier." Spoken like a man who's never been married. Only a single guy would see a disadvantage in dating a woman who is limited in how much she could talk to him. The next part of the date has the group riding through Rome on motor scooters. Erica claims her license is "expired" and jumps on the back of Lorenzo's scooter to ride with him. Before we have a chance to be impressed by her cunning, however, Erica chooses to use this opportunity to tell Lorenzo about every single guy she has ever dated. Smooth move. Men love to hear all about a woman's romantic history while he's on a date with her. The group date ends that evening with a cocktail party. First, Lorenzo leads the ladies to a room full of dresses and tells them they can choose whatever dress they want. Later, the girls make sure to express their gratitude to Lorenzo for the dresses, as if he paid for them himself. During the cocktail party, Erica pulls Lorenzo to the side for a private conversation. During their chat, she mentions that Jami wouldn't be a good match for him since she didn't go to college. Lorenzo says that doesn't matter to him. All that matters is if the person "has a good heart, and they're fun." He forgot to mention good-looking. Erica counters that "a lot of people have good hearts", but she likes to be able to "have, like, a nice conversation" with a person. Yeah, it's easy to imagine Erica conversing eloquently on topics such as great literature and foreign policy. However, Lorenzo tells her, "You can't judge somebody because they haven't had what you had." "I do judge," she says. The conversation ends poorly. Later, in tears, Erica tells us how Lorenzo made her feel bad for judging others since he's been even more privileged than she has and yet he doesn't judge. How dare Lorenzo judge Erica for judging others! But, maybe Erica's been humbled a little. She says, "I'm probably going home without getting a rose and some other girl will be and it's not fair because they don't deserve it." Then again, maybe not. In contrast, Lorenzo later goes on to have what appears to be an actual grown-up conversation with Sadie. His Singleness thoroughly enjoys this conversation, and as a result, gives the rose to Sadie. Once again, we are treated to more blubbering from Erica, "He must not really want a true princess, because I am a true princess. And like, it doesn't matter that I've been raised to be one, because he could care less." Thoughtless Lorenzo! How dare he care about such shallow things as character and personality! For God's sake, man, the woman owns a tiara! The next day Lorenzo is on his one-on-one date with Lisa. Lisa has a "Love Plan" - she has her entire future lovelife charted out on a timeline, what age she'll be when she gets married, when she'll have kids and how many, and so on. She hasn't shared her plan with Lorenzo yet. At one point in the conversation, Lorenzo begins to talk about what a shame it is that some people get married only because it fits their "timeline". Instead, he says, when someone gets married it should be about love, not timing. Lisa decides now may not be the best time to tell Lorenzo about the Love Plan. The date ends that evening with Lorenzo giving Lisa a rose. Meanwhile, at the house, the girls are chatting about girlie things. When put on the spot, Sadie reveals that she is "saving herself" for marriage. Of course, the hoochies in the room are amazed, as if it never occurred to them that option was available. Sadie later tells us that she hopes the other girls don't tell Lorenzo about her choice. Surely she can trust the other girls. Anyone who has seen The Bachelor knows the bachelorettes would never use personal information against each other. The next day, the rest of the girls get to have their group date with Lorenzo. Lorenzo comes by helicopter to whisk them away to a Mediterranean beach. We next get to see Lorenzo frolicking on the beach with six beautiful, bikini-clad women. And they say there's nothing "real" about "reality tv". Before the day is over, Lorenzo gives a rose to Jennifer. This beach has an open bar, and one of the bachelorettes, Kim, takes full advantage of it. Barely able to stand, she tries to give a standard monologue to the camera. What she says probably makes perfect sense to her. In the middle of her monologue she starts to vomit, then tumbles over into one of the guys on the film crew. She later passes out on one of the lounge chairs. After Lorenzo wakes her, she gives everyone a piece of her mind, "I hate you guys. The [expletive], eh... The lod deb us. I hate you loof. Hate... Have a [expletive]... Blasphemy, that... I planted that last rose and helletz. I hate vodka." Then, after catching another glance of Lorenzo, says, "Oh, I thought that was the waiter." Smooth. The Rose Ceremony. At the mansion, Lorenzo spends one-on-one time with several of the girls, starting with Agnase. During their conversation, Agnase plants a big wet one on Lorenzo's mouth. She may not know much english, but she sure knows how to communicate. Next, Lorenzo talks to Kim, who has sobered up considerably at this point. Kim later tells the camera how she's not embarassed by the incident at the beach, because it was a long day and all she did was to 'close her eyes a little bit'. Uh huh, and Bill Clinton never inhaled. She tries to explain herself to Lorenzo, who concludes, "No harm done." Later, Lisa starts to walk outside with Lorenzo. As they pass Ellen and Sadie, Lisa says, "Don't talk crap about me, Ellen." "We don't talk crap." "Yeah," Lisa chuckles, "those two talk crap? Never." The girls are very upset that Lisa would make a comment like that in front of Lorenzo. At one point, Jami and Desiree decide to go visit Lorenzo's bedroom and snoop around. They look through everything, including the man's underwear drawer. Lorenzo eventually comes in and finds them on his bed. Understandibly, he's shocked and appalled at the girls' immodesty and their flagrant disregard for his privacy. Yeah, right. He tells us that finding those girls was a "dream come true" and proceeds to join them. Meanwhile, Ellen and the other girls confront Lisa about her comment. Lisa claims not to know what they're talking about and starts crying. The entire herd eventually migrate up to Lorenzo's room and start a dance party. Once again, Kim appears to "fall asleep". It seems like getting to be a contestant on this show would be worth it, just on account of all the free liquor. Finally, the time comes for Lorenzo to hand out the roses. Among those picked is poor little rich girl Erica. She assures Lorenzo, "You made a good decision." ...even if she does say so. Those going home are Ellen, Sarah, and boozer Kim. Next week - Four "fantastic" dates, the girls compete for a $2,000,000 necklace, and Erica "loses her mind" (you mean she's been sane so far)?