Episode Recap: The Bachelor - Rome, Week 5

Episode 5 Original Air Date: October 30, 2006 There comes a time in every relationship where a man is brought home to "meet the parents", the people who might be his future in-laws. For Prince Lorenzo, that time is now. He too must meet the parents, all eight of them. In this episode, he joins the four remaining girls individually on "home town dates". First up is cute little virgin Sadie, who hails from San Diego. The entire meeting with Sadie's family can best be described with one word, "sweet". We're talking Willy Wonka's chocolate factory kind of sweet. As soon as everybody sits down in the living room, Sadie's mom asks her to tell her "everything". "I've missed you so much!" she says. "I've missed you, too, Mama!" Aw.... During a private moment with her mother, Sadie gushes, "He's just so smart, and humble, and he really reminds me of Daddy." At that moment, dancing Oompah Loompahs come trotting out from the closet. There is one poignant question asked of Lorenzo during dinner. Sadie's mother asks him to list his criteria for the ideal mate. "Well," Lorenzo responds, "I'm looking for honesty... and my best friend." In other words, "Uh, I dunno." It's time to say goodbye to the family. "I love you guys!" Sadie tells everyone at once. "We love you!" Sugar rush! Ow, my head! Sadie takes Lorenzo to the beach, where they lie down by a campfire and gaze at the ocean. At this point, they can either talk about baseball or makeout. Apparently, neither of them is much of a sports fan. It turns out we have a special treat this episode. Right before commercial breaks, we get to watch some more clips of everyone's favorite psychotic little rich girl Erica wax philosophically about the remaining girls. Finally, the voice of reason! Let's see what wisdom she has to share with us this evening - "You can take the girl from the broom and the mop, but you can never take the maid from the girl." OK, I think I understand what she's saying here. If Lorenzo marries a maid, she can try her hardest to adapt to wealth and luxury, but in the end she won't be able to resist the urge to clean up the place. Wow, deep. Next up is Lisa, who hails from Portland. Lisa reminds us of her "timeline". She's scheduled to be married by this time next year, and to have had kids by the time she's 30. It has to happen - it's in her Day Planner and everything! It's not even in pencil, so Lorenzo needs to get on the stick, even if Lisa hasn't clued him in on her schedule yet. Lorenzo tells us that it's high time Lisa started showing some emotion towards him. Of course it is. She's probably known him for almost 4 weeks by now. Why hasn't she proclaimed her undying love for him yet? Lisa greets Lorenzo in a park while she's walking her pug. This little dog has got to have the longest tongue of any dog in the world. He could be a member of KISS. While Lorenzo and Lisa are hanging out at her house, he best friend Ally shows up carrying a wedding dress for Lisa. Lisa asks her why she brought the dress. "Well, I found out you were in the final four," Ally replies, "I figured you might need this." Ally then insists Lisa go try it on. One has to wonder if Ally is truly Lisa's friend, or if she's jealous that Lisa is on The Bachelor and is trying to sabotage her. As Lisa is in the other room trying on the dress, Allie asks Lorenzo, "So, did she tell you about her timeline?" Lisa needs to find a new friend. If Lorenzo wasn't scared by the mountain of bridal magazines on Lisa's coffee table, he will definately be by this. In fact, Lorenzo tells us that he's concerned that Lisa might be in this to get married, and not just because she likes him. Yes, how shameful it would be if Lisa applied to The Bachelor to find a possible future husband, and not because she had already fallen in love with some guy she hadn't even met! Her family isn't much help. "Did she show you her bride's magazines?" Her father asks Lorenzo over dinner. At one point, Lisa's mom has Lorenzo on the floor doing pilates. It turns out Mom is a pilates instructor and just can't resist teaching the exercise to people she's just met. Lorenzo is a good sport and goes along with it. The evening ends with Lorenzo kissing Lisa goodbye and then riding away in an SUV. More wisdom from Erica, who is now taking a bubble bath but still wearing her tiara - "I'd hate to see him get his heart broken by a sneaky little thing like her. She's like a little prostitute." It's not clear whom she's talking about, but judging from her past comments, one can surmise it's Lisa she's calling a prostitute. Yes, too bad Lisa isn't chaste like Erica, who evidently doesn't mind taking a bath in front of millions of people. Next up is Jennifer from Miami. Jennifer takes Lorenzo deep sea fishing and manages to catch a small shark. Lorenzo is apparently a catch-and-release fisherman since he tells the guide to throw the shark back. But first, Lorenzo suggests to Jennifer that she kiss the shark goodbye, and she obliges. Shortly thereafter Lorenzo kisses her. Ick! She just kissed a shark! Lorenzo will kiss anybody. After the fishing excursion, Jennifer brings Lorenzo home to meet the folks. Jennifer tells us she's a daddy's girl. Jennifer's dad tells us, "It wouldn't matter if Lorenzo is an Italian prince, or king, or the President of the United States... What matters is are you worthy of my little girl." His interrogation of Lorenzo begins during dinner: "So Lorenzo, you're an Italian prince. Your lineage is royalty. What exactly is an Italian prince?" "Are you at a time in your life when you'd like to start a family and settle down with a life-long partner?" Those questions don't read like an interrogation, but Jennifer's father asks them in a tone that makes him sound like he thinks he's a cop on Law & Order. What Daddy doesn't seem to realize is that Lorenzo isn't the one who's supposed to be auditioning at this point. Lorenzo tries point that out with his response, "I'm not here to ask your daughter's hand in marriage yet." Pop is not moved. "You know Jen, this isn't exactly how I pictured you finding a husband." A reasonable response from Jen would be, "Shut up, Dad! I'm trying to win a freakin' contest, here! You're not helping!" But instead, she just smiles and clears the table. "My dad wouldn't have reacted in front of Lorenzo if he didn't like him," she tells us. Lucky Lorenzo. Later, Lorenzo and the old guy convene to a back room for a man-to-man talk. In an apparent effort to make Lorenzo feel comfortable, Dad takes out his shotgun, cocks it, and explains to Lorenzo exactly what he would do to any man that mistreats his daughter. Lorenzo should run at this point, not because he's afraid of the old man, but because he doesn't want to have Norman Bates for a father-in-law. But he stays put and nervously endures the rest of the evening. At the end, it looks like even forgets to stick his tongue down Jennifer's throat when he says goodbye. Hey, another gem from Erica! - "I think I have things in common with Princess Diana, I guess. Though she used to be a nanny and I would never want to be one." You know, this whole time I've been trying to figure out who Erica reminds me of, and that's it! She's exactly like Princess Di! I mean, except for the fact that Diana had class and treated others with respect, and that there were people who actually liked Diana, and that Diana chose to spend her time doing important charity work instead of being a Paris Hilton wanabe, and Diana wasn't insane, and that whole part about Diana being a princess in reality and not just in her head. But other than those things, Erica is just like Diana. Also, it was really humble of Erica to compare herself to a former nanny. I'm sure Di would be really honored to hear that if she were alive. The final home town date takes place in Venice with Agnese. Lorenzo is still blathering on about how he's concerned about the communication factor. Meanwhile, Agnese tells us excitedly, "I'm happy, but I couldn't a sleep last night, because I was so excited but also so nervous for introduce him to my parents." Come on! How could anyone not find that adorable? "I miss you!" Agnese tells Lorenzo when they meet, "Where are you?" "Here!" She means "Where have you been?", you stupid jerk. Agnese takes Lorenzo on a tour of Venice. This may come as a surprise to some readers, but Venice has actual streets that people can walk on. Or maybe that just comes as a surprise to me. I know it sounds stupid, but I always wondered about that. From the pictures of Venice that the rest of the world sees, one could get the impression that gondolas are the only form of transportation in that city. Of course, the happy couple do take the obligatory gondola ride, which I believe is required by law for all dating couples in Venice. The city is beautiful. Agnese is beautiful. The boat is beautiful. So Captain Smoochie Face jumps into action. Much spit swapping ensues. Oh, wait! More from Erica - "They're all just like, 'I'm so happy for this girl. I'm so happy for the other girls that are on the date. I'm so happy for everyone.' And it's just like, don't lie." She's right. Those other girls should be more like Erica and make mean, catty comments about each other. That would be much classier. Agnese takes Lorenzo home to meet her family - Dad, Mom, Sister, and Brother. Out of the whole brood, Agnese and her dad are the only ones who speak any English. But Agnese translates and it's not as awkward as the promos made it look. After dinner, everybody gets up to dance and a good time is had by all. At the end of the evening, Lorenzo is genuinely sad to say goodbye to Agnese. So he lets her know by slobbering noisily on her face. Oh, good, here's Erica again. She has a particularly serious look on her face this time. What she has to say must be important and deep - "We'd like to see him with a real woman, and not just a bunch of little girls." That's a good idea, Erica. If you meet a real woman, be sure to let Lorenzo know. The Rose Ceremony - Roses are handed out to Sadie, Jennifer, and Lisa. Agnese will be going home. What the Heck?!! Apparently, Lorenzo would rather be with Bridezilla Lisa or Jennifer and her Psycho Daddy than deal with a temporary communications challenge with Agnese, for whom he obviously has real feelings. As he walks Agnese out, he sits down with her to explain why they can't be together. During the conversation, they both start to cry. Lorenzo is bawling like a little girl. He tearfully explains that it's his fault ("it's not you, it's me"). If only he could speak Italian, Agnese would have a rose. The big idiot. Agnese tells him he's right and that she's naturally disappointed. They hug and descend into a blubbery mess. Later, in the limo, Agnese tells us, "I tried. It didn't work out... but I tried. For me it's difficult to divide heart and um... head. But I think he use more head than heart." Not one nasty word about the other girls, or how she deserved a rose so much more than them. It's an altogether classy exit. Take notes, Erica. Speaking of Erica, we're treated to even more of her insights during the closing credits - "Of the three girls that have roses, Sadie and Jennifer are like vanilla milkshakes. They're a little different - Sadie's a virgin, Jen is not. But other than that, you know, there's not much difference. And Lisa is like a vanilla milkshake with a cinnamon stick stuck in it and some chocolate sprinkles and a drab of beer. But like instead, I'm like a champagne-flavored milkshake..." As she says this, I can't help but imagine how a champagne-flavored milkshake must taste awfully nasty - much like Erica. Next week - One-on-one overnight dates across Europe. Lorenzo asks Lisa hard questions about her intentions. Sadie's vow is put to the test.

Episode Recap: The Bachelor - Rome, Week 4

Episode 4 Original Air Date: October 23, 2006 Prince Lorenzo's stable is down to six phillies and it's time for him to cull the herd a little more. After tonight's episode, the girls that remain will have the pressure privelege of introducing His Dimpledness to their parents. So choose wisely, Your Worship, choose wisely. Host Chris Harrison tells the girls that this week two of the girls will be going one-on-one with Lorenzo while the rest apply the full-court press on a group date. How will those two fortunate girls who get some special alone time with His Princeliness be chosen? All of the girls must answer two questions. Their answers will be judged and the winners will receive the one-on-one dates. The two questions are: Who is the least deserving to be a princess? Who is the least sincere? These questions are especially difficult because, as we all know, women on The Bachelor just hate to bad-mouth each other. Of course, the person chosen to judge the answers to these questions would need to be mature, level-headed, and insightful. So logically, Crazy Little Rich Girl Erica, who got the boot last episode, is brought back to judge. But the girls don't find this out until after they've answered the questions. Since Erica has had time to reflect on her experience on the show, maybe she's been humbled a little and has come to realize that what is important is not a person's station in life, but rather what's on the inside. Maybe she's come to see that she needs to focus on the quality of her own character and not care so much about superficial and material things. Or not. As she walks into the door of the cottage, the first thing she says is, "What's up, bi***es?" That's one classy, classy lady. Later, Erica tells us the reason she's qualified to judge who's worthy of Prince Lorenzo's company is that she is a "real princess". Then she adjusts her tiara. One of these days she needs to tell us which royal family in Galveston she is descended from. During this confessional, she says that "Agneezy" will definately not be getting a one-on-one date. This is the closest she's come to pronouncing Agnese's name (pronounced On-yay'-say) correctly. Enough about Erica, back to the girls' answers to the two probing questions listed above. Though the girls answer individually in front of a camera in a private room, they all agree that Lisa is the least deserving of Lorenzo's hand. The consensus seems to be that she is a fake and a backstabber. But I think she's just guilty of being Lorenzo's early favorite and then maybe rubbing it in the other girls' faces a little. Lisa, on the other hand, believes that Jennifer is the least deserving and least sincere, and then adds, "she's not that pretty without makeup". Hey, some old barns need painting. There's no shame in that. Cute little virgin Sadie stands alone in this contest. Though she also believes that Lisa is the least deserving, she breaks down in tears because she hates speaking badly of another person. Erica seems moved by this. As Erica says her latest goodbye to the girls, Chris tells them that they will have to wait until the date boxes arrive to find out whom she chose for the one-on-one dates. The first date box arrives and it reveals that Sadie will get to go on the first one-on-one. The first thing Lorenzo does on the date is to take Sadie up in a little private plane. Sadie is turned on as she watches His Grace pilot the plane. (Big show-off). Lorenzo even lets Sadie take the controls for a while. Later, they spend some quality time in a thermal hot tub while drinking champagne. This is shocking, as it is a full 15 minutes into the episode before someone is shown drinking alcohol. This must be some kind of record for The Bachelor. While in the hot tub, Lorenzo gets flirty with Sadie, so she thinks he's going to try to kiss her. That turns out to be wishful thinking as they eventually leave the tub without so much as a peck. But the night is young. Meanwhile, the basket for the group date arrives back at the house. Desiree, Agnese, Jeannette, and Lisa will be going on this one. All the girls either scream or jump up and down as their names are read off. I've never seen four girls so happy about being forced to share a guy. Jennifer, the one who's supposedly not that pretty without makeup, will get to go on the other one-on-one date. Oddly enough, she seems the most sedate. Later, Lisa tells us what she really thinks, "Going on a group date sucks. I didn't come here to make best friends." Well, judging from the other girls' earlier answers to those questions, she certainly doesn't have to worry about that. Back on the one-on-one, the couple is having a romantic rooftop dinner. Sadie is trying to convince Lorenzo that he really wants to kiss her. The conversation goes something like this: "Don't bother denying it. I know you want to kiss me." "I do? I mean, what makes you think..." "Because!" "Because why?" "I see that look in your eye!" "What look? I don't..." "You want to kiss me, dang it! Stop arguing with me!" I may have paraphrased some of that conversation. I may have made some of it up entirely. It doesn't matter. What matters is His Smoochiness is only too happy to give in and apply his face to Sadie's. Sadie then gives Lorenzo a T-shirt to motivate him to come to California to meet her folks. Later, Lorenzo gives Sadie a rose, followed by more tongue-wrestling. Eventually it's time for the group date. Lorenzo decides on an all-day toga party at the Roman Acqueducts. The date begins with a series of chariot races. The girl who wins the chariot races will get a wish fulfilled by Lorenzo. Jeanette eventually comes out victorious and thus wins the wish (which she doesn't decide on right away). None of this makes any sense since the girls don't actually drive the chariots, but just ride along as passengers as trained toga proffesionals do all the work. Later the toga party adjourns to a pool where, of course, there's booze. Lorenzo reveals to the girls that there is no rose on this date, so everyone should just focus on having fun. He later sets the example by tackling Desiree and tumbling with her into the pool. Everyone else joins them in the pool, togas and all. As fortune would have it, there just so happens to be cameras situated under water so that we are not spared any shot of the girls in wet togas. It's funny how these things work out. After awhile, Italian hottie Agnese pulls Lorenzo to the side. She tells him she was jealous that Sadie got to go on the one-on-one date. She wishes she could "spend all the time" with Lorenzo. Lorenzo asks her if the language barrier would make it awkward for her parents if she brought him home to meet them. Not to worry, she assures him, she has an Italian-English dictionary! Again, being a single guy, Lorenzo doesn't see how the language barrier makes Agnese perfect for him. Not only would his wife not try to talk to him while he's watching TV, but he would never have to listen to his in-laws! Jeanette, the winner of the wish, also pulls him aside. She wants him to know that she "really, really" likes him, as opposed to those other girls who probably only like him with one "really". Jeannette tells Lorenzo that every glance or look she gets from him means so much to her. Well, why wouldn't she be so madly in love with the guy? After all, she's known him for such a long time at this point. Jeannette also tells Lorenzo that since he usually seems so stressed at the Rose Ceremonies, that her wish is for him to relax and enjoy this moment. Lorenzo confides to us that he thought that choice for her wish was a "cop-out". But, he admits he's "intrigued" by Jeanette and wants to get to know her better. That must mean he's going to Bloomington, IL (her hometown)! Who wouldn't be excited about going to Bloomington? I mean, besides everybody. The time for the one-on-one date with Jennifer rolls around. Lorenzo takes her on a carriage ride through Rome, culminating in a dinner on a rooftop overlooking the Vatican. They have some light conversation, and Jennifer bashfully giggles through a lot of it. She seems like a sincere, sweet kid who doesn't have a clue about or any desire to flirt. It's a wonder she hasn't gotten trampled by the hussies who share the house with her. Meanwhile back at the house, while Jeanette tries to give her confessional to the camera, Desiree and Lisa run through the background naked. They say they just wanted to relieve some stress. It seems like they just wanted to relieve themselves of their own clothes. Shockingly, they had been drinking shortly before this incident. Back at the rooftop in Rome, Lorenzo and Jennifer are holding hands while telling each other how their parents met. Lorenzo believes "there's only one person for each person. And for that reason..." He then hands her the rose. That means he's going to Miami (her hometown). Miami is nice, but it's no Bloomington. Later, Lorenzo takes Jennifer to the Trevi Fountain. He tells her to toss in some gold coins, which he had provided her for the occasion, and make a wish. Big deal. You can do that in almost any shopping mall in North America. Of course, the fountains in the shopping malls here aren't over 250 years old, but I bet the Trevi Fountain doesn't have a food court right next to it. Lorenzo takes this opportunity to plant a big wet one on Jennifer. That Lorenzo, he's so shy. It's the night of the Rose Ceremony and there are just two roses to give to the four remaining girls, Desiree, Lisa, Jeanette, and Agnese (remember, Sadie and Jennifer already received their roses). Each of the four girls pulls Lorenzo aside to profess undying love for him. You would expect Jeannette would try to sell Lorenzo by emphasizing the fact that she's from Bloomington. Surprisingly, she doesn't take that route. Host Chris Harrison arrives and announces it's time for Lorenzo to make his choices. He gives a rose to Lisa, then another to Agnese. That means Desiree and Jeannette are going home. Apparently, the allure of Bloomington just wasn't enough for Lorenzo to pick Jeanette. During her tearful confession to the camera, Desiree calls Lisa a "dumb girl who is just here to play the game" and says that Agnese is probably only here out of curiosity. She doesn't think either of them truly have feelings for Lorenzo. This has to be the dumbest thing said by anyone on The Bachelor, yet it's repeated every season by almost every bachelorette. Look, no one truly has feelings for the bachelor at this point. For crying out loud, they've known the guy for maybe two weeks, maybe a little more. In that time, they've had to share him with several other women, most of whom he's kissed. Sure, most of these girls probably think they have feelings for him. But they are more likely in love with the idea of being in love. Besides that, they are probably heavily influenced by the fact that all of these other women also want the same man. Not to generalize, but one thing that makes a man attractive to a woman is the knowledge that other women also find the man attractive. Of course, all that alcohol probably helps, too. For those reasons, The Bachelor is one of the most rediculous shows ever to be broadcast on television. Maybe that's why I love to watch. Next week - Meet the parents (all eight of them). Erica comes back to give her thoughts on the remaining girls (finally, the Voice of Reason).

Episode Recap: The Bachelor - Rome, Week 3

Episode 3 Original Air Date: October 16, 2006 As the episode begins, the girls are told that this week there will be a group date with Lorenzo, a two-on-one date, and a one-on-one date. In other words, a typical week for most of us guys. Who will be that special girl who gets to go on the one-on-one date? There is only one fair way to decide this - an opera singing contest. A prominent opera teacher is brought in to teach the girls how to sing. What follows is one of the most painful things ever seen or heard on TV. None of these girls could carry a tune to save their lives. Fortunately for them, they are judged on how hard they try as opposed to actual vocal ability. The opera teacher chooses Jami as the winner. This doesn't sit too well with Poor Little Rich Girl Erica. "I still don't think Erica and Lorenzo are compatible," she blubbers, "There's no way she's getting a rose tonight." As Lorenzo and Jami drive off to the opera, Erica is the only one who doesn't wave. One would think that all that princess training Erica has supposedly received would include instruction on how to show some class. Incidentally, for tonight Lorenzo gives Jami what has to be the shiniest earrings and necklace I have ever seen. Once at the opera hall, it appears the couple have the entire place to themselves. Sensing that Jami hasn't suffered enough humiliation today, His Highness makes her sing for him the opera piece that she had sung earlier. It is no less painful this time. Ever the gentleman, His Blow-Driedness claps and says, "That is the best opera I have ever seen." Notice he said seen, not heard. Later, the stage curtains open to reveal Vittorio Grigolo. What? You've never head of Vittorio Grigolo, one of the most famous opera singers in all the world? What kind of uncultured neanderthal are you? (Actually, I had to Google the guy to find out his last name. Lorenzo only referred to him as "Vittorio".) Vittorio starts to sing and gives a truly beautiful performance. In response, Lorenzo stands up and extends his hand to Jami to invite her to dance. As Vittorio sings, Lorenzo holds Jami in his arms as they sway back and forth and gaze into each other's eyes... Excuse me while I go toss my cookies. In a fitting ending to a perfectly fake evening, Lorenzo explains to Jami why he can't give her the rose, "As I was looking at you, I was thinking, 'Wow, this girl is so beautiful... but this is like dancing with my best friend.'" Ooh, that has got to hurt. What's worse, Jami is sent home in the back seat of a station wagon. Sure, it's a Mercedes station wagon, but still, let the girl keep some of her dignity! What bothers me most about this is not how much it apparently hurts Jami, but that Erica will feel vindicated by it. The next morning, the girls are sitting waiting in their mansion. A voice is heard from a small speaker, "Good morning, Angels!" "Good morning, Charlie!" Sorry, wrong show. The next morning Prince Lorenzo picks up six of the girls for the overnight group date, which will start off with a round of wine-tasting under the Tuscan sun. That's what this show needs, more alcohol. Lorenzo and the bachelorettes will probably all need to check into rehab after this show is over. Jeannette pulls Lorenzo to the side for some one-on-one time. We haven't heard much from Jeannette so far, probably because she's just not a big enough hoochie. Jeannette says it's because she's shy. Later, Lorenzo says that their conversation was the most meaningful he's had so far. So, Jeannette's using the old "meaningful conversation" trick. That sneaky girl. Meanwhile, Lisa asks the other girls, "Do you think Lorenzo thinks this is romantic?" Why wouldn't he? There they are, in a beautiful Tuscan vinyard, sipping wine, just the seven of them. Lisa goes on to say how she thought her one-on-one date with Lorenzo was much more romantic. That's a smooth move. Surely the other girls just love to be reminded over and over again of Lisa's one-on-one time with Lorenzo. Desiree is definately not happy with Lisa right now, and tells us so. Back at the mansion, Erica and Italian hottie Agnese, the two girls who are not on the group date, are taking advantage of this time together to bond and get to know each other on a deeply personal basis. Yeah, right. Erica is still calling Agnese (pronounced On-yay'-say) "Agnes". They receive their date box, which contains a message that says, "One rose, one stays, one goes." Someone probably stayed up all night thinking up that verse. The ever bashful Agnese tells Erica, "The rose is mine." "I don't think so," Erica says. Later, Agnese tells us, "My opinion of Erica, she is crazy, but not very, very beautiful." I wish Agnese would just open up and tell us what she's thinking. Over in Tuscany, the group has gathered around a swimming pool. Fortunately, there's a wet bar near the pool. After all, it's probably been a good twenty minutes since any of these people have had a drink. We wouldn't want their bodies to go into shock. Sadie takes Lorenzo to the side and tells him she's still a virgin. Lorenzo thanks her for sharing that with him, and that makes him admire her even more. It's a sad statement on society when it's considered a miracle that someone has made it to the ripe old age of 23 without losing their virginity. Later, sensing that the other girls just don't hate Lisa enough, Lorenzo pulls her to the side for some one-on-one time. "We haven't had any one-on-one time since our date," he says. I think there are still girls on this group date who have never had one-on-one time with him. Predictably, one of the girls (Jeannette) tells us that she senses that Lisa can't be trusted, that maybe she's not sincere about her feelings for Lorenzo. Now there's an accusation you haven't heard thrown around every single season of The Bachelor. What's next? Will someone try to say that Lisa's on the show "for the wrong reasons"? That would be shocking. Speaking of that, what the heck are the right reasons for being a contestant on this show? No reasonable person would believe that this is the best way to find one's soul mate. Twenty-five attractive women immediately fall madly in love with some doofus they've never met. In the meantime, that doofus, while under the influence of alcohol, is able to narrow this group down through a series of two-minute conversations until he ends up with the one woman who's meant to be the mother of his children. And we're supposed to believe that everyone is participating because they're truly in love with the doofus. But I digress. Once Lorenzo and Lisa are alone, he wastes no time telling her why he pulled her aside. He wants a kiss. "Gee," Lisa says, "I don't know. I mean, we hardly know each other and I only do that with a guy if I know he really has feelings for me." ... maybe in Alternate Universe Bachelor In this universe, Lisa is only too happy to oblige. What follows is the noisiest kiss I've ever heard on TV. Slurp, smack, sluuuurrrp. Lorenzo says he can do that all night. If he did, it would probably keep the neighbors awake. Back at the bachelorette pad, Erica explains to us her secret for communicating so well with Agnese, "I speak English very slowly... And I speak English with an Italian accent, so Agnes understands me perfectly." Get this girl a job at the United Nations. In Tuscany, Lorenzo and company are playing "Truth or Dare" in his bedroom. The "dare" part gives the girls the opportunity to take turns being skanky. When it comes to Lorenzo's turn, he chooses "truth". Sadie asks him which girls has he kissed. He responds by saying he's kissed all of them, which is true since he's kissed them on the cheek. Smooth. Later the next morning, Lorenzo pulls Jennifer to the side and asks her about her teaching career. Surprisingly, the chat ends with a little kiss on the mouth. Maybe Lorenzo has turned into a kissing fool now. Later that morning during breakfast, Lorenzo gives the rose to Jeannette. Needless to say, Lisa is a little surprised. Sadie wonders if telling Lorenzo that she is saving herself has damaged her chances. She shouldn't worry. If it has damaged her chances with Lorenzo, he's not the man for her anyway. It is now time for the two-on-one date and Erica and Agnese leave in a limosine to meet His Princeliness. Erica tells us, "I think I'm %100 right for Lorenzo and I think Agnese is the least attractive girl in the house. I just don't think she's princess material." Earth to Erica. Come in, Erica. Agnese tells us, "I'm going to get a rose on this date, no matter what." Let the cat fight begin! Once the girls arrive at Lorenzo's bachelor castle, His Kissiness tells the girls that he's changed his mind and that he would rather the three of them hang out around the castle and eat pizza and drink beer. Talk about romantic! Since the girls are dressed in evening gowns, he invites them to borrow some of his clothes so they can be comfortable. Why do women look so much better in our clothes than we do? We are treated to more wisdom from Erica, "Lorenzo is royalty. He's not a commoner, and he definately needs me. No one else here could do the job. I think Agnes is a gold digger. And like, he could find a girl like Jen anywhere. A girl like Sadie that's a virgin, ok, like maybe that's a little bit rare. And like, a girl like Lisa is just a notch up from that. And I am like seven notches up from that. I am still into Lorenzo, and I would like to get a rose. And after that I would like him to stop being such a dumb*** and start showing some interest in me." Erica is the most genuine girl in the whole house - genuinely nuts. Lorenzo tells us that he likes Agnese, but he's still concerned about the language barrier. "You need to be able to communicate to have a relationship," he says. At that moment, all the married men watching yell, "Are you crazy? That's the perfect woman! She won't be trying to talk to you while you're watching TV!" The time comes for Lorenzo to give the rose to one of the girls. One of them will be going home. He starts off by telling Erica how she's an "amazing girl" and that "it would be tough to find fault" with her. Yeah, until she opens her mouth. But, Lorenzo feels that because Erica seems so different tonight than she did before that she would be the type of person who would just change to suit him. Lorenzo wants a girl who will be herself no matter what. Personally, I didn't see this "change" in Erica, but hey, whatever gets Crazy Girl out the door. As Lorenzo walks the lunatic downstairs, she begins blubbering about how it's unfair because she's been "judged" her whole life because she's rich and pretty and smart, and she thought that Lorenzo would feel the same way she does because he's probably been judged his whole life for the same reasons, and... and... waaaaahhhh!!!! The limosine door closes, but Erica concludes she hasn't blubbered enough. So she rolls down her window to tell Lorenzo that he doesn't really know her and that she's sorry he's made such a terrible mistake. A class act to the end. Lorenzo goes upstairs to join Agnese. As they stand out on the balcony looking at the lights of Rome, he tells her to "keep looking". Soon, a fireworks show erupts just for them. Lorenzo, still in a kissing mood, starts to play wide-mouthed smoochy face with Agnese. Finally, the Rose Ceremony. Tonight, the girl without a rose is Gina. As Gina tearfully tells us that she was really surprised to be sent home and that she would have given her all to Lorenzo, everyone at home wonders, "Who the heck is Gina?" Seriously, I don't even remember seeing this girl until now. Next week - Toga party in a pool! Skankiness erupts! Later this season - Erica returns to pit the girls against each other. Lorenzo makes it a point to kiss everyone.

Episode Recap: The Bachelor - Rome, Week 2

Episode 2 Original Air Date: October 9, 2006 It's the first day after the party and host Chris Harrison gathers the herd outside the mansion. He informs them that two group dates will take place in the next couple of days, followed by a rose ceremony. Whoever doesn't receive a rose at that ceremony, he tells them, will be going home. All the girls ooh and ahh like they've never seen the show before. Chris also informs the girls that since tree-hugger Lisa received the special rose during the party, she will get to go on the first one-on-one date with Lorenzo. Poor little rich girl Erica lets us know she is "really annoyed" that Lisa won that privilege. "All she had to do to get it is run around and hug some trees." Maybe Erica ought to remind Lorenzo how she had to fly coach all the way to Rome. Incidentally, Erica wore an actual tiara to the overnight party, and today she's still wearing it. I wonder if she sleeps with it. The girls open the "Date Box" and find out that Erica, Jami, Ellen, Sadie, and Agnese will be going on the first group date. On my last post, I guessed six different ways to spell "Agnese" (pronounced On-yay'-say) and none of those guesses were correct. Speaking of Agnese, our Italiana piccante, she tell us, "I'm not speak a lot english. I don't understand anything, and the first day that we are at home, we are all twelve girl together." Then, she gives us her impression of her fellow Bachelorettes, "It's hard living with American girls. They are crazy. Really crazy." All of the American men who are watching at this moment can be heard to say, "Yeah, tell me about it!" Later, Erica takes Chris Harrison aside to complain about the dismal living conditions she's being subjected to in the house, "I just, like, don't want to live in a room with three other girls. My room at home is like ten times that size. And, I don't see any maids." "There are no maids," Chris tells her. "That's rediculous. But can I hire one of the other girls to be my maid?" I can see the other girls just lining up for that opportunity. To Chris' credit, he somehow keeps from laughing in Erica's face the whole time, though it looks like he's trying really hard to hold back a chuckle. Instead, he tells her that she'll have to deal with it and hopefully come to think that Lorenzo is worth it. Wow, first this girl has to fly coach, and now she has to make her own bed! I sure hope Lorenzo appreciates all the sacrifices she's making for him. Finally, His Eminence Prince Lorenzo arrives to pick the girls up for the group date. Lorenzo asks them, "Do you know I've never been on a date with five women before?" It's uncanny. This is yet another thing Prince Lorenzo and I have in common. No, wait, that's the only thing he and I have in common. The first stop for Lorenzo and his fly girls is the Colliseum. While there, Lorenzo takes Agnese aside for a brief moment of quality time. Erica tells us, "The Italian girl's name is Agnes, or like Agnassy, or like something really weird like that. I'm very indifferent towards her, because she really barely speaks english, like at all." I guess like, Agnase's not like, totally eloquent in like, english like Erica is. His Loftiness tells us, "My only concern with Agnese is that there might be a communication barrier." Spoken like a man who's never been married. Only a single guy would see a disadvantage in dating a woman who is limited in how much she could talk to him. The next part of the date has the group riding through Rome on motor scooters. Erica claims her license is "expired" and jumps on the back of Lorenzo's scooter to ride with him. Before we have a chance to be impressed by her cunning, however, Erica chooses to use this opportunity to tell Lorenzo about every single guy she has ever dated. Smooth move. Men love to hear all about a woman's romantic history while he's on a date with her. The group date ends that evening with a cocktail party. First, Lorenzo leads the ladies to a room full of dresses and tells them they can choose whatever dress they want. Later, the girls make sure to express their gratitude to Lorenzo for the dresses, as if he paid for them himself. During the cocktail party, Erica pulls Lorenzo to the side for a private conversation. During their chat, she mentions that Jami wouldn't be a good match for him since she didn't go to college. Lorenzo says that doesn't matter to him. All that matters is if the person "has a good heart, and they're fun." He forgot to mention good-looking. Erica counters that "a lot of people have good hearts", but she likes to be able to "have, like, a nice conversation" with a person. Yeah, it's easy to imagine Erica conversing eloquently on topics such as great literature and foreign policy. However, Lorenzo tells her, "You can't judge somebody because they haven't had what you had." "I do judge," she says. The conversation ends poorly. Later, in tears, Erica tells us how Lorenzo made her feel bad for judging others since he's been even more privileged than she has and yet he doesn't judge. How dare Lorenzo judge Erica for judging others! But, maybe Erica's been humbled a little. She says, "I'm probably going home without getting a rose and some other girl will be and it's not fair because they don't deserve it." Then again, maybe not. In contrast, Lorenzo later goes on to have what appears to be an actual grown-up conversation with Sadie. His Singleness thoroughly enjoys this conversation, and as a result, gives the rose to Sadie. Once again, we are treated to more blubbering from Erica, "He must not really want a true princess, because I am a true princess. And like, it doesn't matter that I've been raised to be one, because he could care less." Thoughtless Lorenzo! How dare he care about such shallow things as character and personality! For God's sake, man, the woman owns a tiara! The next day Lorenzo is on his one-on-one date with Lisa. Lisa has a "Love Plan" - she has her entire future lovelife charted out on a timeline, what age she'll be when she gets married, when she'll have kids and how many, and so on. She hasn't shared her plan with Lorenzo yet. At one point in the conversation, Lorenzo begins to talk about what a shame it is that some people get married only because it fits their "timeline". Instead, he says, when someone gets married it should be about love, not timing. Lisa decides now may not be the best time to tell Lorenzo about the Love Plan. The date ends that evening with Lorenzo giving Lisa a rose. Meanwhile, at the house, the girls are chatting about girlie things. When put on the spot, Sadie reveals that she is "saving herself" for marriage. Of course, the hoochies in the room are amazed, as if it never occurred to them that option was available. Sadie later tells us that she hopes the other girls don't tell Lorenzo about her choice. Surely she can trust the other girls. Anyone who has seen The Bachelor knows the bachelorettes would never use personal information against each other. The next day, the rest of the girls get to have their group date with Lorenzo. Lorenzo comes by helicopter to whisk them away to a Mediterranean beach. We next get to see Lorenzo frolicking on the beach with six beautiful, bikini-clad women. And they say there's nothing "real" about "reality tv". Before the day is over, Lorenzo gives a rose to Jennifer. This beach has an open bar, and one of the bachelorettes, Kim, takes full advantage of it. Barely able to stand, she tries to give a standard monologue to the camera. What she says probably makes perfect sense to her. In the middle of her monologue she starts to vomit, then tumbles over into one of the guys on the film crew. She later passes out on one of the lounge chairs. After Lorenzo wakes her, she gives everyone a piece of her mind, "I hate you guys. The [expletive], eh... The lod deb us. I hate you loof. Hate... Have a [expletive]... Blasphemy, that... I planted that last rose and helletz. I hate vodka." Then, after catching another glance of Lorenzo, says, "Oh, I thought that was the waiter." Smooth. The Rose Ceremony. At the mansion, Lorenzo spends one-on-one time with several of the girls, starting with Agnase. During their conversation, Agnase plants a big wet one on Lorenzo's mouth. She may not know much english, but she sure knows how to communicate. Next, Lorenzo talks to Kim, who has sobered up considerably at this point. Kim later tells the camera how she's not embarassed by the incident at the beach, because it was a long day and all she did was to 'close her eyes a little bit'. Uh huh, and Bill Clinton never inhaled. She tries to explain herself to Lorenzo, who concludes, "No harm done." Later, Lisa starts to walk outside with Lorenzo. As they pass Ellen and Sadie, Lisa says, "Don't talk crap about me, Ellen." "We don't talk crap." "Yeah," Lisa chuckles, "those two talk crap? Never." The girls are very upset that Lisa would make a comment like that in front of Lorenzo. At one point, Jami and Desiree decide to go visit Lorenzo's bedroom and snoop around. They look through everything, including the man's underwear drawer. Lorenzo eventually comes in and finds them on his bed. Understandibly, he's shocked and appalled at the girls' immodesty and their flagrant disregard for his privacy. Yeah, right. He tells us that finding those girls was a "dream come true" and proceeds to join them. Meanwhile, Ellen and the other girls confront Lisa about her comment. Lisa claims not to know what they're talking about and starts crying. The entire herd eventually migrate up to Lorenzo's room and start a dance party. Once again, Kim appears to "fall asleep". It seems like getting to be a contestant on this show would be worth it, just on account of all the free liquor. Finally, the time comes for Lorenzo to hand out the roses. Among those picked is poor little rich girl Erica. She assures Lorenzo, "You made a good decision." ...even if she does say so. Those going home are Ellen, Sarah, and boozer Kim. Next week - Four "fantastic" dates, the girls compete for a $2,000,000 necklace, and Erica "loses her mind" (you mean she's been sane so far)?

Episode Recap: The Bachelor - Rome, Week 1

Episode 1 Original Air Date: October 2, 2006 Lorenzo Borghese, cosmetic heir, founder of several profitable corporations, and real-life prince. It may seem like this season's bachelor would have no problems, but that's not the case as Prince Lorenzo explains to the camera during the first segment, "I never ever introduce myself as Prince Lorenzo Borghese. I'm always Lorenzo. The only time that people find out that I'm a prince is when my friends are around and they're trying to pick up girls. They'll introduce me... 'Do you know who that is? That's Prince Lorenzo Borghese.' And then I know my night is ruined." As he says this, I'm sure male viewers everywhere are thinking, "There but for the Grace of God, go I." Why is it that no one ever featured on the Bachelor seems like they'd have trouble getting a date in real life? Are the rest of us supposed to sympathize with these people? On the other hand, it probably wouldn't really be worth it for the bachelorettes to go through this several week ordeal just to end up with Joe Bob the plumber. Speaking of the bachelorettes, we first meet Erica, a 23-year-old "socialite". (Being a socialite seems like a pretty good business to get into. I wonder how one gets into it?) "I wasn't that surprised about being on the show," she tells us humbly, "I thought they'd be crazy not to pick me." So as to remind us further how much our lives suck in comparison to these people, we are shown Erica wafting through her family's mansion with her mother and housekeeper toward her huge walk-in closet to pick out the clothes she'll wear to Rome. "You may not want to bring furs," her mom says thoughtfully, "because of animal rights." Erica tells us it would be her "dream come true" to be a real princess. Yep, that would be a true riches-to-even-more-riches story, the kind of magic that fairy tales are made of. "I really hope he's not one of those guys to fall for the girl off the farm," she says. Speaking of 'the girl off the farm', we are next introduced to Jami, a 27-year-old event planner. She does live on a farm in Texas. Though she is from a small town, Jami tells us she is "eight million percent princess material". Let's hope princesses don't have to be good at math. We meet several of the other contestants, most of whom are in their 20's. Lorenzo is 34. I wonder if they ask the Bachelor beforehand which age group he prefers to date? Next, host Chris Harrison sits down with His Princeliness to ask him some questions about himself. It turns out Lorenzo has his royal title thanks to a 17th century pope who was also a Borghese, and may have owned the mansion/castle which is the location of this season's Bachelor. One of that pope's official acts was to extend royal titles to the folks back home. Lorenzo was born in Italy and moved to the U.S. when he was two years old. When asked how well he speaks Italian, His Worship responds that he speaks "menu Italian", or just good enough Italian to get by in a restaurant. Wasn't that just fascinating? As Lorenzo meets each of bachelorettes one-by-one as they come out of the limosine, he seems genuinely nervous. That's kind of endearing. Maybe I won't hate him as much as I thought I would. By the way, do we actually have to watch him greet ever single bachelorette? There's 25 of them! It goes on for so long they have to put a commercial break in the middle of the whole meet-and-greet. The last girl files into the mansion and the party begins. Socialite Erica reflects on the competition, "The first four girls I met had tatoos, and only half of them went to college. I'm not going to go so far as to say I'm the most compatible, but from what I'm seeing, I'm definately in the top three." At least she's humble. Lorenzo sits down with Erica to thank her for coming all the way to Rome. She tells him he's worth it. Then, to bring home the point, she says, "Yeah, I flew coach for you, which I've never done. You should be honored." I'm sure he's very moved by her sacrifice. Rosella, a 27-year-old make-up artist, tells the other girls she had to sell her car 'to be here'. A Chicago Italian girl from the block, Rosella tells us she didn't have the money for the gowns and other bachelorette accoutrements. She said she did it because she is sure she's going to be a princess. "It's my destiny," she says. It better be. If she doesn't win, she'll be without a man and a car. Desiree, a 22-year-old hoochie realtor, grabs Lorenzo away from two other women and pulls him outside. She then proceeds to chat him up, ending every sentence with "Baby". "You're definately handsome, Baby." "Oh yeah, I bought this [her dress] in Las Vegas, Baby." It's like watching an Austin Powers movie. Figuring she just hasn't skanked it up enough for Lorenzo, Desiree asks, "You want me to shake it for you, Baby?" Lorenzo is only too happy to see Desiree 'shake it'. She obliges with a wiggly little dance right in front of him. Her approach apparently works. Lorenzo later confesses to the camera that he thought Desiree was the life of the party. "Even though there were 25 girls," he says, "my attention was totally focused on Desiree." Lisa, a 25-year-old marketing manager, sits Lorenzo down and tells him how she's "like, a normal girl, and like, a tree-hugger in cognito." She later clarifies for us, "Yeah, like, I'll lick a slug, hug a tree, whatever." Lorenzo points out the nice trees on the property and suggests they go hug one. Sure enough, the two go out and hug one of the trees. If I were that tree, I'd be weirded out. 34-year-old registered nurse, Heather, gets drunk in the course of the night. 25-year-old Jessica points out how Heather is setting a bad example as "an older woman". There's nothing worse than a drunken granny. At one point while Lorenzo is outside talking to two of the women, Andrea comes out on the balcony and starts singing in an operatic voice. Smart move. Nothing turns a guy on like an opera singer. The other girls are not impressed. Chris comes out and announces that there are two more bachelorettes to join the group. Only these new ladies are truly Italian. Panic sets in amongst the herd. To make things worse, one of the Italian hotties, Cosetta, is a professional dancer. The way she "shakes it" makes Desiree look like a Quaker. The other Italian girl was not happy with Cosetta's little dance. "The other Italian girl, I couldn't believe it. She is like a joke. I am jealous." There is one special rose that comes with a pair of diamond earrings. Lorenzo is supposed to give this rose to the one girl he especially 'wants to get to know better'. His Highness makes his decision before the night is over. To Lorenzo's credit, he walks past all the hoochies and gives the rose to tree-hugger Lisa. It never seemed like Lisa was trying to seduce or impress Lorenzo. Instead, she came across as being herself. It worked. Good for her. Finally, the sun comes up and it's time for the rose ceremony. These people have been partying all night long, and yet they look as fresh and shiny as when the night started. There must be an army of make-up people on duty at the Bachelor mansion. Anyway, only eleven of the 27 women will receive roses. Among those chosen: farm girl Jami, dancing queen Desiree, poor little rich girl Erica, and jealous Italiana Aniase (Anyase? Anyasay? They never spell her name out on the show and she's not listed on the Bachelor website as of this writing.). Aniase (Onyase?, Eniase?) can't speak much English, but that's OK. There's always the "international language". Among those going home: dancing Italiana Cosetta, "older woman" and lush Heather, opera singer Andrea, and girl-without-a-car Rosella. Next week - One of the girls goes all Fatal Attraction on Lorenzo. Coming up this season - Helicopter rides, scooter rides, horse-drawn carriage rides, boat rides, and Lorenzo cries. As the closing credits roll, Erica tells us she's so used to having a maid, that she doesn't know how to make a bed. This will be a challenge for her as she bunks with eleven other girls. In college, she had to pay her roommate to make her bed and clean up after her. Really, who can't relate to that?