Episode 1
Original Air Date: January 3, 2007 Beauty and the Geek - now with 20% more geek! The geeks do seem even geekier this season, almost as if the casting people spent all of their time attending Star Wars conventions and Dungeons and Dragons tournaments. This herd of geeks includes both a Trekker (not Trekk ie, thank you very much!) who comes with his own uniform, and a guy who leads a Star Wars themed band. I wonder if we'll see a slap fight break out between the two? The first geek we meet is Piao, who has only kissed one girl. That just might make him the most experience guy in the group. He tells us that most people call him "Pi", and makes the mathematical symbol for Pi with his hands - because that will help us remember his nickname more easily. Shockingly, π's love life hasn't been anything to write home about. He tells us, "If I were to compare my dating life to baseball, I would be 0 for my life, basically". But the Artist Formally Known as π is only the tip of a giant geek iceberg. The Trekkie, Captain Drew of the Starship Loserprise, feels that attractive women are like "a different species". To make his situation more understandable, he draws an analogy familiar to all of us, "It's like they're Romulans and I'm the Federation." Thanks for clearing that up for us, Drew.
Niels tells us that he's "smarter than 99.9% of the United States, maybe 99.99. The tests I used to take only go up to the 99th percentile."
I think that means he's just better at taking tests than 99% of us.
Nate, leader of the "Star Wars tribute band", sings a little bit for us. "Out here on trial and sand / Don't think I gotta friend in the land / Han Solo can't help with my fate / He's still blind from the Carbona-a-a-te!"
Catchy!
Scooter (yes, Scooter), a Harvard graduate, is dressed sharply in a short-sleeve button-down shirt accompanied by one of those little shoe-string neckties (hello, 1982) and tucked into grey, knee-length shorts, and red dress socks that come up over the calf. Believe it or not, this eligible young bachelor has trouble with the ladies as well. He tells us it's easier to "wrap my mind around 10-dimensional, impactified, in-folded space than it is for me to understand a woman."
Welcome to the club, my friend.
An astute person might surmise that the next geek, Mario, is a Nintendo enthusiast. One could find this out by asking thoughtful, probing questions during a long, meaningful conversation - or you could just look at the giant tattoo of a Nintendo controller on his arm. And yeah, he's totally jazzed about the fact that his name is Mario.
Matt, an M.I.T. graduate, says that his "probability of getting [a date] is about Machine Epsilon, which is 2 to the -52."
You know a guy is a geek when you have to go to Wikipedia to understand what the heck he's saying.
One thing that makes Sanjay mad about women is when "they don't know about Linux". Well, what man can't relate to that? Statistics show that most couples' arguments are either over money or the woman's ignorance of computer operating systems.
As usual, the beauties this time around are as hot as the geeks are geeky. Unfortunately, most of them are great deal less interesting than the geeks. The good news is that at least some of them are as dumb as rocks, so this should be entertaining.
Jennylee, a UFC Ring Girl, tell us "it's easy" to be her because "being attractive makes life easier. It's not really fair, but it's not my fault either."
Gloria Steinem would be proud.
Tori, a model, admits that she usually 'tunes other people out' in the middle of a conversation and will start thinking about herself. She figures the other person is also thinking about her, as in, "Wow, this girl's really awesome!"
One thing they're not thinking is, "Wow, this girl is really humble!"
The other beauties include:
-Andrea, beauty pageant queen, who 'expects to win' and 'will do what she needs to do' to win.
-Erin, voice teacher, who was surprised to learn that people "really go" to Harvard.
-Nadia, sorority girl, whose biggest accomplishment so far is having been a cheerleader in high school "all four years".
-Sheree, former Hooters waitress, who confesses that the last book she read was Sweet Valley High. It would be really sad if she just finished it recently.
-Cecille, bikini model, who is really proud of her ability to pout because she's "good at it".
-Megan, Playboy model, who didn't do so well in school, but did really well in nail school.
One twist this season has to do with how the beauties choose their geeks. It will not just be the geeks who must introduce themselves and be chosen by a corresponding beauty. First, a geek will introduce himself to the beauties and be chosen by one of them, then a beauty will introduce herself to the geeks and be chosen by one of them, and so forth. However, neither the geeks nor the beauties will be able to see the person introducing himself/herself as they will be facing the wall, away from that person.
Before that, though, the beauties and geeks are allowed to silently and briefly pass each other as they adjourn to separate rooms. The impression made on the girls by the boys during this short encounter is somewhat less than favorable. Megan compares the geekly sight to a "multiple car accident". Tori described the guys as "way beyond geeky".
The geeks' reaction was mostly, ''huh-huh, girls, huh-huh". Though Drew did describe his visual experience as "a lot of cleavage" that "combined to form one big super-woman". Pi tells us he was "almost blinded, because they were just so shiny".
Once the two groups are in their separate rooms, the geeks must decide who among them will be the first to venture bravely into the girl's room and introduce himself. Hesitation sets in amidst the nerd herd until Capt. Drew boldly volunteers to go first. Besides mentioning that he's a double major in business and entrepenourship, he decides to advertise himself as being "awesome with Excel spreadsheets and a huge fan of Star Trek." That should melt any woman's heart.
Erin chooses Drew because when asked his favorite adjective, he answered "fantastic", which happens to be her favorite, too. Did someone say, "love connection"? Out in the hallway, Drew greets Erin with the Vulcan peace sign. Erin compliments him on his pants (plain blue jeans), but then asks, "what's going on with the shirt?"
It happens to be Drew's favorite shirt, which would be perfectly understandible - if he were homeless. It's an old black T-shirt with silvery specks that are supposed to be stars. He says he's had it awhile, so the stars are faded. This guy really knows how to impress a woman.
Andrea strides into geek room and tells them that she wants the geek who picks her to be "the other half of the winning team". Sanjay asks her if she were to make a choice, would she choose the Los Angeles Lakers or the Los Angeles Clippers. She responds, "Los Angeles has two teams?"
Matt chooses her because he likes her confidence.
Next, Sanjay introduces himself to the ladies. He proudly declares his talent for doing impressions - of household appliances. One of the girls asks him to impersonate a blender. He complies by making the loudest, most obnoxious noise ever produced by a human being. The geeks can even hear it in their room. Tori picks him because she thinks he is funny.
Sanjay tells us that his first thoughts when he met Tori in the hallway was, "They can't be real, they're so big."
Later, after they choose their bedroom, he says "the thought of waking up next to a beautiful woman would be like if Brownian motion were inversely proportional to viscosity - unbelievable."
Look, if I'm going to have to go to Wikipedia every time one of these guys opens his mouth, these posts are going to take forever.
Cecille, known as "CCG" to her friends (why would someone want a nickname that has more syllables than her actual name?), says she "likes to laugh, no drama. Save it for your mama." Super Mario says that political leanings are very important to him, and asks if Cecille thinks of herself as more of a blue state or red state. The deer-caught-in-the-headlights expression that immediately takes over Cecille's face reveals she doesn't have a clue what a red or blue state is. She answers, "Well, I live in California, so I'm the golden state!"
This answer apparently does not impress the geeks. As soon as Cecille leaves the room, Mario declares, "I don't want her." In fact, none of the guys want her. Nate finally bites the bullet and chooses her, since he "can be with anybody".
Super Mario, who owns 25,000 comic books, tells the remaining beauties that he has a master's degree in Theology and he likes to read and hang out with his friends. As fascinating as that sounds, the girls don't seem all that enthusiastic about him, and say so after he leaves the room.
They spend the next several minutes trying to push him off on each other. Unfortunately for Mario who is standing right outside in the hallway, he can hear everything the girls are saying. He says it's like getting picked last for dodgeball, which is probably a pretty familiar scenario for him. Nadia finally emerges as the beauty who has chosen him. But she later tells us that she was pushed into doing it because of "peer pressure".
Jennylee enters the geek room and proudly proclaims herself an "expert on things I know". Niels chooses her and goes out to the hallway to meet her. Thirty seconds later he launches into a detailed description of cognitive radio (Wikipedia entry, sigh). Jennylee's eyes soon start to glaze over.
Scooter introduces himself to the two remaining beauties by explaining that "Scooter" is a nickname he picked up in high school and that it comes from the Muppet Babies. One would think that would be enough to impress any woman, but wait, there's more! He goes on to recite his favorite palindrome, which happens to be in Latin. (At least I don't have to look up "palindrome" in Wikipedia to see how it's spelled.) Megan chooses Scooter.
That leaves Pi and Sheree. As they greet each other in the hallway, Pi almost injures Sheree with his spastic attempt at a hug. Sheree tells us she expected the geeks to be "helpable", but these geeks are "unhelpable".
Once upstairs, Megan asks Scooter about his stylish choice of attire for this occasion. "So, is that, like, a costume?"
Drew tries unsuccessfully to explain his love for Star Trek to Erin, who is surprised to learn it is not pronounced "Star Track". Drew tells us he would love to find a woman, but if it came down to a choice between Star Trek and women, he would "definately have to choose Star Trek". Fortunately for Drew, this doesn't seem like a choice he'll have to make any time soon.
Tori immediately starts educating Sanjay in the ways of the world. Sanjay is shocked to find out the true meaning of the slang word "bootie" has nothing to do with pirate treasure. This clears up a lot of things for Sanjay who happens to be a huge fan of Rap music. Suddenly, all those songs make sense to him now. Excited about his new-found knowledge, he runs to ask Pi and Nate if they know what "bootie" means. They, too, are surprised to find out it has nothing to do with pirate treasure. (I swear, I am not making this up.)
The next day, the entire group gathers at a public library for their first challenge. Each beauty must use the Dewey Decimal System to find three books, each containing a card which describes a task the geeks must perform. Once a beauty gathers all three books, her geek must start on the three tasks, which are: 1 Find someone to rub suntan lotion on his back. 2 Get a woman to give him her phone number. 3 Borrow someone's cell phone to make a call. The first team to complete this task wins immunity from the first elimination.
Needless to say, none of these girls count the Dewey Decimal System as a friend. They might as well been given physics equations to solve. Cecille finds all three of her books and presents the task to Nate, who runs rather girlishly outside to complete his tasks. He immediately starts asking everyone he sees (even other dudes) to rub suntan lotion on his back. For some strange reason, most people on the street don't seem very eager to rub lotion on the back of a scrawny bearded geek they've never met before who runs up to them like a girl. He finally happens upon a nurse who is willing to help him. Nurses are used to touching half-naked stranges, anyway.
Meanwhile, almost all of the other geeks have received their tasks and have started their dorky girl-run up and down the street. Matt confesses that he doesn't like to run, and no wonder. He's so spindly he looks like he could snap a femur by just stepping too hard.
Tori is still in the library trying to locate her books. She gets so frustrated she starts to cry. Oh, that cruel, cruel Dewey Decimal System! She finally finds all three books and Sanjay gets started on the tasks.
Nate is making good progess on his other tasks and seems to have more going for him socially than the other geeks. Amazingly, so does Scooter, of all people. These two are the only geeks able to convince women to give them their phone numbers. Nate even has a line for this occasion, "Hey, you look like a cool lady, and I'm a guy that needs a cool lady's phone number." Don't laugh - it works! Matt, on the other hand, is so anxious about approaching strangers that he ends up wandering up and down the sidewalk like an extra from Night of the Living Dead. Nate finishes just seconds ahead of Scooter and wins immunity for his team.
Host Mike Richards drops a bombshell later that night at the mansion. He tells the group that there will be no elimination this night, but there will be a chance to leave for anyone who wants to do so. He tells everyone to talk it over with their team mates and try to figure out what amount of money would persuade them to leave the mansion. The only teams who seem tempted by this offer are Drew and Erin (mostly Erin), and Matt and Andrea.
After the group comes back down stairs, they are each given a baton to hold with their partner and are told that the first team to drop their baton as the money is offered gets to leave with the money. Mike lays $5,000 on the table, no takers. $10,000, no bites. $15,000, no one moves. $20,000, final offer. There seem to be no takers, so Mike starts to pick up the money. "Wait," Andrea says, "can you give us one more minute?"
...and commercial break.
Andrea and Matt talk it over. "I need a decision from you now," Mike says.
Andrea turns to Mike. "No, we're good."
Later, Cecille starts to flirt with a very grateful Matt. She tells us later she decided to do this, not because she was attracted to Matt, but because she was bored. He later allows her to give him a makeover, including makeup and hair clips. Cecille then decides to take Matt downstairs to show off her work to everyone else. Andrea is not happy. She thinks this will worsen Matt's self-image, not improve it. She says it only shows Matt can be played by Cecille, "like she's probably done to thousands of other guys". Matt is just happy to have been touched by a girl.
The next morning Mike tells everyone what their next challenge will be. The girls will be provided with study materials and must be able to have an intelligent discussion on current events. The guys are to prepare a stand-up comedy routine and perform it on stage at a famous comedy club.
Panic sets in amongst the beauty herd when the phrase "current events" is mentioned. Andrea sums it up best, "I'm not really a genius on current events. I'm more into what's going on in my life."
Study sessions don't go so well for the girls. Erin can't figure out which country has the Panama Canal. Andrea can't believe she has to read a book (Freakanamics). She's already read Sweet Valley High, what more do these people want from her?
It's not going a whole lot better for the guys as they prepare their routines. Matt wants to talk about the pick-up lines he tries to use on women. His best joke is, "I wish you were a cosine and I were a negative cosine, so that together we could be one! Ha ha! Snicker, snicker, snort!"
It's not clear that Pi knows what a joke is. "I'm not having much luck with the ladies," he says, "my last date kicked me in the Wontons!" Ba-dum-bum!
It's time for the geeks to get on stage and perform their routines. The location for this is the Laugh Factory, made famous by Michael "Kramer" Richards' rather colorful commentary on the state of race relations in America. Thankfully, there were no crazy racist tirades this night, but most of the geeks didn't get a much warmer reception than Kramer got. Nate and Mario actually did pretty well, however. Nate talked about allergies and Mario talked about what he knows best, Super Mario Brothers. They killed.
Pi, on the other hand, didn't even maim. He tells us he looked at the crowd and thought to himself, "These people look they enjoy vulgarity."
He then proceeded to cuss so much that most of his routine was bleeped out from the show. I can't even tell you what he said, because there was almost nothing between bleeps. His entire act was evidently just cusswords without punchlines. Off stage, he asks Sheree if she thinks he won. She responds by putting her head in her hands.
"So, maybe." he says.
Capt Drew doesn't do so well either, mostly because of nerves. He tells us, "The eyes of those people in audience were like phasers, and I was like a starship without shields!"
He's more like a goober without a clue.
At the end, the audience votes for the funniest geek. Nate wins with 85% of the vote. The others should watch out for this guy, he's a Power Geek! Now, not only do Nate and Cecille have immunity for the next challenge, they get to choose a team to send in for elimination.
The girls fare just as well(or poorly) during their challenge. They are taken to a TV station where they are to read from a teleprompter, then interview one of the co-authors of Freakamonics, the book they were supposed to read. Reading a teleprompter is evidently as big a mental challenge as trying to figure out the Dewey Decimal System. Trouble starts almost immediately as all but one of the girls are unable to pronounce the word "enigmatic". It also becomes painfully obvious during the course of the interviews that most of the girls never read the book. Tori thought the book was about parenting and kept asking the author about raising kids. Sheree really impresses the judges because one, she is very poised, and two, she actually read the book. She wins the challenge, so she and Pi get to choose one of the two teams who will go in for elimination. One of the reporter/judges tells her she is good enough to work with him "tomorrow". She says she will hold him to that.
Back at the mansion, Tori and Sanjay have a bad argument. Sanjay is mad at Tori for not studying for the last challenge, and Tori is mad at Sanjay for being mad at her for not studying. How dare he!
That night the group gathers downstairs for the elimination ceremony. Drew shows up in his Star Trek uniform. This does not help him. He and Erin, along with Tori and Sanjay, are chosen to go into the elimination room. Drew can't help relating this to Star Trek, "Just like a Vulcan, I try to keep my emotions down. I try to keep logical. I try to keep smiling during difficult times."
Uh, a smiling Vulcan? What Would Spock Do? (WWSD)
Tori doesn't fare well in the Elimination Room. She is unfortunately under the belief that the next Presidential election is to be held in November, 2006. Erin gets both of her questions correct. Sanjay misses his first question, which is enough to eliminate Tori and him from the game.
Next week - Nude art.
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